Thursday, 11 June 2009

The Other Star Trek Prequel

This is the prequel that for some odd reason didn't make it to the big screen. Sincerest apologies to Gene Roddenberry and J.J. Abrams.

(Kirk voice over opening titles)
Kirk: Stardate 1964.5. The hall was full that night – a sell-out. The Stratford gig playing Henry V was good training to take me where no actor has gone before: doing future pitch work for, oh, I dunno, maybe Kellogg’s All Bran or priceline dot com.

(cut to Kirk on stage)
And God forbid, my dear and faithful lord,
That you should fashion, wrest, or bow your reading,
Or nicely charge your understanding soul
With opening titles miscreate, whose right
Suits not in native colours with the truth...

(Spock arrives via transporter effect)
Spock: But, Captain, that would be illogical...indeed Shakespearian dialogue has always to me been illogical.

Kirk: Where in blazes did you come from? How did you just...appear?!

Spock: Well, Captain, I was reviewing some back issues of Popular Mechanics and...

Kirk: Never mind Spock. How about a spot of lunch? I told my buddy Bones I’d meet him for lunch at “Out of This World”. Want to join us?

Spock: Out of This World?

Kirk: It’s an intergalactic restaurant, Spock, where Starfleet commanders hang out. If we ever want to get ahead, this is the place to see and be seen.

(Spock let’s go with a deafening sneeze)
Kirk: Bless you, Spock. Here, use this handkerchief. You’ve got something dripping from your chin.

Spock: Thanks, Captain. I wouldn’t want anything to Klingon my face in public.

(fade to restaurant interior; Bones and Uhura are seated. Kirk and Spock enter from left)
Kirk: Bones I’d like you to meet Spock. Spock, Bones is a doctor.

Bones: And this is my friend Uhura, in from out of town.

Spock: How unusual, doctor.

Bones: How’s that Spock?

Spock: Your friend’s a whore, hah.

Kirk: U-hur-a, Spock, U-hur-a.

Spock: She’s not my whore, ah, she’s the doctor’s.

Bones: Never mind, Jim. Your green-blooded, pointy-eared friend, here, seems to have a one-track mind.

Spock: On the contrary, doctor, we Vulcans can keep several tracks going at once unlike lowly humans I might add.

Kirk: Alright you two, lighten up. Live long and prosper.


Spock: Hey, I like that Jim. Mind if I use it?

(a man and his wife, a little woozy from over-drinking, bump into the foursome’s table)
Scotty: Aye, excuse us there folks, we didn’t see ye there. I’m Scotty and this is my wife Charmin’.

Kirk: Hi Scotty. I’m Captain Kirk. Would you and your wife care to join us for a drink?

(Scotty points at Charmin’)
Scotty: Sorry, Captain, she can’t take anymore.

Bones: Say, Jim, I thought Sulu was joining us. He’s always one to inject a little gaiety into these gatherings.

Kirk: Indeed he does, Bones, indeed he does. But what about your friend Chekov, wasn’t he coming too.

Uhura: I’m afraid Chekov checked out Captain.

Kirk: How do you mean?

Bones: He’s dead, Jim.

(up Star Trek theme, roll credits, fade to black)

3 comments:

Quirkyloon said...

Odd indeed. I can't imagine how this missed the eyes of Mr. Spielberg or Mr. Adams.

Their loss, Noname...THEIR loss.

*smile*

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

Shatner and Shakespeare - hard to imagine. But then, Christopher Walken once did Romeo and Lysander at the Startford Shakespeare Festival in 1968 (not, of course, in the same play).

nonamedufus said...

Quirk: Yeah, and now I'm working on a remake of The Taking Of Pelham 1,2,3...waddaya think?

Frank: Amazing, eh, how many actors passed through Stratford.

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