Friday, 31 July 2009

About Face

When a picture's worth a thousand words...

How many times have I heard something similar in my house? Was a time facebook meant something else entirely...

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Summer Camp Survival Guide

It's Day 4 of camp over at the interweb's comedy motherhouse Humor Bloggers Dot Com. Tuesday I participated in Campfire Sing Along Day. Today it's "Survival Day" and Head Camp, ah...Poo-Bah Thinkinfyou has appointed Red Raider from Beyond Left Field to coordinate our survival efforts.

So, Red, here's how our little charges should handle themselves - and why - if they want to make it out alive...

1. Get your mom to sew labels with name and phone number in all clothes, particularly underwear...campers will change underwear every day - Tommy will change his with Billy, Billy with Harry, etc., and you'll want to get your own back at the end of the session before you go home.
2. Pack nutritious snack items, fruit and fruit juice boxes...because you won't find any nutritious meals at camp. We serve the blah-est and tasteless looking goopy slop you've ever seen. So if you wanna still be standing when camp's done, bring your own nutritious stuff.
3. Bring sunscreen and sun tan lotion...unless you live in eastern Canada or the northeast United States where these items may be substituted for rubber boots, raincoats and sou' wester hats (i.e. the garments worn on The Deadliest Catch). They've seen so much rain and so little sunshine for so long is it?...its been so long moss has started to grow in their armpits.

4. Swimming is a daily activity so bring at least 2 swimsuits...unless you live in eastern Canada or the northeast United States, then see #3.

5. Pack plenty of cash or a 40 ouncer of Canadian Club...Counselor Raider can be bribed. He might just remember where he hid the outhouse key if appropriately compensated or lubricated.

And thus endeth the lesson of how to survive Camp Humor Blogger Dot Com! Thank God its only virtual.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Say What?

Over at Humor where the funniest and punniest on the interwebs hang out - sort of like an AA for humour bloggers - Frank Lee Mei Dear of I Probably Don't Like You initiated one of my favourite Forum threads: The Humpty Dumpty Word Challenge. As Frank explains: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty told Alice, "It means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."

Frank challenged other HBDCrs to share in the forum random "Humpty Dumpty" words they've encountered on other folks' blogs when asked to enter a word verification, that jumble of letters required to be re-typed as a security measure, and to come up with our own definition for them.

Frank gave us an example or two to get us started. One was:

"tremotop"n. A hairpiece that has not been properly secured to the scalp.

Okay, you get the idea. Here's a few I've found and their Humpty Dumpty definitions...

...the practice of shampooing, to the point of near addiction. For example, Peggy Lee, who sang "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" can be said to have practiced prelism. (Prell shampoo)

...nachos that don't move (inertia/nachos)

One who has been taught to be dishonourable; one given an ignobleness lesson.
ie: He was so dishonorable he could probably teach an ignesson.

You've heard of Google? This is the act of searching for change on the internet. 2 choices: "Coingl Search" or I'm Feeeling Lucky"

What an obstetrition does to confirm a woman's pregnancy = an o.b. dab.

These are the folks who enjoy swinging both ways...they're bi-likers!

Two of my favourites on the list include Ettarose from Sanity on Edge's entry:

ABLEO: What a pirate says when asked if he is able.

and an entry from cdmauger at Maugeritaville:

ASHOLE: He's not a complete asshole, but he's getting there.

And you thought humour bloggers had nothing better to do with their time!

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

It's A Long Way To Tickle Larry - Humor Bloggers Summer Camp Week

The folks over at, Humor Blogger.Com, of which I'm a member, are so inventive and creative (oh, why, thank you). In the midst of the summer doldrums they've invited their members to Summer Camp. Chief Counselor thinkinfyou (and the horse you rode in on - it's an inside joke) explains it on her site and she's planned all kinds of activities for the week. The schedule goes like this:

Monday: Crafts
Tuesday: Sing Along
Wednesday: Campfire Stories
Thursday: Survival Guide
Friday: Letters Home
Being a closet rock and roller I couldn't let "Sing Along" pass me by and the fact that our Music Counselor is our own zombified, rocking blogging buddy Quirkyloon ...well, that's just the icing on the cake.

So as day draws to an end and dusk falls, we gather round the roaring campfire after a dinner of franks and beans and let 'er rip...oh, and we sing too!

It's been some time since I've been to camp but when I got to thinking about it camp fire songs are kinda silly. So if I were a snot-nosed little brat at summer camp what kind of songs would I sing? Probably something like "It's a Long Way to Tickle Larry"

It's a long way to tickle Larry
It's a long way you know
It's a long way to tickle Larry
Cause he's ticklish on his nose
Goodbye dangling boogers
Farewell nostril hair
It's a long, long way to tickle Larry
But my hand won't touch there!

Or how about "Donnie Caught His Dong In The Door"? Are you ready? And a 1, and a 2:

Donnie caught his dong in the door, ow-oo-ah-yah
Donnie caught his dong in the door, ow-oo-ah-yah

Sister saw him comin' and slammed the door, ow-oo-ah-yah
Sister saw him comin' and slammed the door, ow-oo-ah-yah

The doorway's deep, the doorway's wide, ow-oo-ah-yah
And sister slammed it from the other side, ow-oo-ah-yah

Donnie caught his dong in the door, ow-oo-ah-yah
Not gonna ask sister to open it no more, ow-oo-ah-yah

And our final selection is my own personal favourite, "Gotta Pee":

I love to go a-wandering
But not too far from home
Cause as I go I drink fruit juice
And recite this little poem

Gotta pee, gotta yeah
Gotta pee
Gotta yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Gotta pee, gotta yeah
And recite this little poem

I love to wander by the stream
That dances in the sun.
But if I hear a waterfall
Well then I gotta run

Gotta pee...

Be sure and wander on over to Humor Bloggers.Com for more great fun at Summer Camp all week. Tell 'em Dufus sent ya. Excuse me, I gotta pee...

Monday, 27 July 2009

Be My, Be My Bubba

Here's a story to take our minds off the 24-7 media preoccupation with all things Michael Jackson and it has all the elements of wackiness necessary to hold our attention. No it's not the weird story of the brief thief I shared with you last week. And no, it's not about the last day in office of Sarah Palin - yes, she's wacky but I suspect her best, or worst depending on your perspective, is yet to come thus adding immeasurably to Tina Fey's popularity and income.

No, the story I'm talking about was found in the New York Post and it reports on Charles Manson's Overture to Phil Spector. Spector, the famous music producer known for his so-called "wall of sound" approach to recording was recently transferred to Corcoran State Prison in central California, where Manson -- who masterminded the savage Tate/LaBianca killings 40 years ago -- is housed in a separate wing.

Manson, who had a mad on for getting into the music business in the mid-60s before he gave up and settled for a quieter existence as a mass-murderer, apparently sent Spector a note praising his qualities as a music producer. Funny he didn't mention his admiration of his qualities as a murderer. Spector, who reportedly threatened artists such as the Ramones and John Lennon with a gun and Leonard Cohen with a crossbow, is currently serving 19 years for the fatal shooting of a young actress. But despite his proclivity for brandishing weapons, there's no denying the man was a genius at the sound board producing such artists as the Ronettes, the Crystals and other "girl groups" in the 60s, the Righteous Brothers Ike and Tina Turner and even the Beatles.

I wonder what Manson has in mind in striking up a friendship with Spector. Does he want him to Be My Baby?

Maybe he's hoping they can throw off their shackles and sing an Unchained Melody.

Perhaps he's enlisting Spector's help in escaping one night. You know, going over the wall of sound (okay, that was bad).

Maybe it's not Spector he's interested in but his cellmate Ronald. Yeah, perhaps he wants to Da Doo Ron Ron.

My Sweet Lord! Imagine! Get Back!

Okay, okay enough with the music puns. Some people don't know that the murder of Sharon Tate and her friends was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In trying to break into the music business Manson tried his best to impress Terry Melcher, then a top music producer and son of actress and songstress Doris Day. Melcher spurned Manson and Manson was so mad he sent his buddies out to murder him. Turns out Melcher's former address was the Tate household. Who was in the right place at the right time? Tate's husband Roman Polanski wasn't at home.

Que Sera Sera.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Sunday Funnies

Walter Cronkite passed away last week at the age of 92. Cronkite helmed the CBS Evening News for almost 20 years and in countless surveys throughout the years was voted "the most trusted man in America". He has been associated with two key events in particular: his coverage of the death of John F. Kennedy and of Neil Armstrong's walk on the moon.

Ironic he should pass away at about the 40th anniversary of that latter event. Ironic, too, that he should be replaced by Comedy Central's Daily Show host Jon Stewart who last week was rated America's most trusted news anchor in a Time magazine poll. These ironies didn't escape editorial cartoonists this week...

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Holy Crap!

Over at Sanity On Edge Ettarose my good bloggin' buddy and fellow comedy cabal member at Humor Bloggers.Com runs a weekly caption contest where she invites her readers to "Craption This". Guess what? This week I won the highly coveted Golden Craption Award.
And here's the picture I had to caption - one of the weirdest and most challenging I've ever come across...

My caption?

Found under "be careful what you ask for":

Sue didn't exactly have this in mind when she'd asked for a new Jersey.

And here's the comment I left on Ettarose's blog...

Dear Ettarose:

Holy cow, I won? Manure the best Ettarose. This is udderly fantastic. I'm truly moo-ved! Thanks.

I hang the Golden Craption Award with pride on my right sidebar with the rest of my hardware. If you click on the pics you'll see how I came by my other wins.

Friday, 24 July 2009

US and Them #11

What is it about strapping yourself into a metal hull, donning a fiberglass helmet and hurtling around a race track at close to 200 miles per hour? There's a group of good 'ol boys who every weekend demonstrate to the world their need for speed once the anthem is away, the fly past is flown and some clueless celebrity issues that car racing catchphrase "GENTLEMEN...START...YOUR...ENGINES!!!"
Just what the hell am I referring to? Well unless you live under a rock or are a fey fashionista rather than a fast car freak you know I'm talking about the National Association for Stock Car Racing or more simply put NASCAR.

According to Wikipedia, NASCAR is one of the most viewed professional sports in terms of television ratings in the United States. In fact, professional football is the only sport in the United States to hold more viewers than NASCAR.. NASCAR holds 17 of the top 20 attended single-day sporting events in the world and claims 75 million fans who purchase over $3 billion in annual licensed product sales. All this for a sport who's claim to fame is 3 and-a-half hours of 40 cars going around in circles, never turning right.

And fans have their favourites. Maybe it's the king of the auto aristocracy Jeff Gordon. Or his team mate who's turned a little rough around the edges sartorially this year Jimmie Johnston. Or how about erudite-challenged Dale Earnhardt Jr. who stutters stops and starts...not just in the interviews but as he races round the track, too. Then there's former bad boy turned owner/racer Tony Stewart who's running number one in The Chase. Or my personal favourite Kyle "Bad Boy" Bush who drives that #18 car like there's no tomorrow. Kinda reminds me of myself when I jockeyed cars for AVIS Rent-a-Car during university.

Nothing quite compares to the exhilaration of a NASCAR race here in Canada, except perhaps one event. Regular readers will know from previous posts that Canadians are a little quirky. Their currency is a loonie, their national symbol a beaver and their revered rock star is Stompin Tom Connors. Well, the sport that rivals NASCAR up here is bathtub racing. You heard me right! But the tubs today are a little more modern than this one...

Bathtub racing began in Nanaimo, British Columbia in 1967 as a Canadian centennial celebration and every year since, the annual tub trek has occurred the last week of July. Not bad for a city who's previous claim to fame was it's link to the confectionery nanaimo bars and, by association, the "nanaimo look" - a 70s fashion statement made by my father and millions like him (like the swinger below) of a white belt and white shoes, usually used as accessories to his leisure suit.

The Loyal Nanaimo Bathtubbing Society oversees (no pun intended) the annual event and "tubbers" from around the world spend in the area of $3,000 to make their tubs seaworthy to race the 36 mile course.

NASCAR's known world wide. You might say it's high tide (oooh) the Nanaimo tub race got a plug too! (puns intended)

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Fast Food Heaven

You often hear people talk about Rock and Roll Heaven and the fabulous group that must have been formed to include members like Buddy Holly, Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and so on. But there's another celestial group whose membership increased this week...Fast Food Heaven!
Gidget, a 15 year old female chihuahua was the pitchman, er, ah, pitchdog for Taco Bell until a stroke put a permanent end to her advertising career - an effect eerily similar to the one might get from the product she pitched. But health concerns aside, she becomes the latest member of that great fast food restaurant in the sky.

It's no wonder Taco Bell had a dog as a spokesperson. Some of their menu items looked like they came out of the south end of a north-going mutt. But I digress.

15's pretty old in dog years. But she's not the only junk food maven to live to a ripe old age.

Other elderly members of this high cholesterol collection include Ray Kroc founder of McDonald's who died in 1984 at the age of 82. He may have had one Big Mac too many. It's a shame he passed away, he deserved a break today. Colonel Harland Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken bit the dust in 1980 at the age of 90. He had a secret recipe, that encouraged us all to set the table without silverware because it was finger lickin' good. Dave Thomas found the beef and created Wendy's. He died in 2002 at the age of 69.

So maybe there's something to being a junk food junkie after all. Good to know I'll have a choice in the afterlife.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Under Where?

In Berlin, Germany police recently nabbed a kinky crook. Reuters reported earlier this week that police arrested a 46 year old man caught nicking 3 pairs of knickers from a sports store and uncovered over 1,000 pairs of underwear and more than 100 pairs of swimming trunks at the home of this wannabe Calvin Klein.

I guess you could say that after pooling their resources police nabbed the swimwear thief.

If he hid the swim suits in trees you might say police discovered trunks.
If he hid the underwear in a tree did he get his panties in a knot?

If it didn't take police long to solve the crime, you could say he was arrested after a brief investigation.
If the thief was a drunk Caucasian, you could say police detained a tighty whitie.

Upon searching his house I wonder if police discovered what was in his drawers.

Maybe after an initial investigation police came up shorts.
Nevertheless they got him in the end.

If he was gay with an underwear fetish he might have been a fruit of the loom.
If he was a tall pirate with an everyday name would police refer to him as Long John?

If he was a pugilist and he escaped from jail, would police be on the lookout for a missing boxer?

Did they catch him under there? Under where?

Maybe police were alerted by his loud voice. You know, perhapth he wath thinging a thong.

He and his buddies weren't always criminals. In fact, you might say they were late bloomers.

Was this underwear collector guy effeminate? You know, a real pantywaist?

If he escaped on a horse did his pursuers jockey for position?

If it was a pursuit did police catch him on the fly?

Perhaps police nabbed the man after a lengthy foot race because he couldn't catch his breath in short pants.

Perhaps, perhaps not. It all depends.

Monday, 20 July 2009

No Sex Please We're Japanese

I was thumbing through a Maclean's magazine from a couple of weeks ago last week, catching up on my periodical reading (isn't that why they call them periodicals, 'cause you read them periodically?) and I came across an article that made me burst out loud laughing. In Japan apparently 60% of guys in their 20s are known as soushoki dansi or, in everyday English herbivores or literally translated grass eating boys.

Are these guys:
a) dope-fiends,
b) only date goats, or
c) have two stomachs.

None of the above. Nope. A herbivore is a celibate Japanese slacker. Konnichiwa? To be precise, according to Maclean's a herbivore is a young Japanese man "who saves money, shuns sex, has a penchant for nice clothing and prefers a quieter, less competitive lifestyle". In Japanese "sex" is translated as "relationship in flesh". So pop culturist Maki Fukasawato coined the term herbivore boys because they aren't interested in flesh.

The article goes on to say that grass eating boys are close to their mothers, are attentive to their appearance and have few career ambitions.

Who do these guys worship as a role model, Richard Simmons?

And what the hell is happening to the long held ideal of the place of masculinity in society? It's being flushed right down the toilet. Literally. Japanese toilet-maker Matsushita Electric Works (good name for a closet crapper: Mats-u-shita) reports over 40% of men in Japan sit on the toilet to pee. Horror of horrors men, urine a heap of trouble!

And get this, right out of a Seinfeld episode, Tokyo company WishRoom is selling men's bras. If Kramer had only gotten the patent he'd be rich.

Man, Japanese men are really blurring the lines when it comes to defining the "fairer sex"as they bid sayounara to their masculinity.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Sunday Funnies

At least one editorial cartoonist was still having fun with "wafergate" this week as the furore over the Canadian Prime Minister allegedly pocketing a communion wafer died down. Meanwhile, Aislin in the Montreal Gazette was wondering along with a lot of other Canadians where Canada's answer to Madoff, Earl Jones, had run off to. CAM in the Ottawa Citizen found the lighter side to the story of Canada's privacy watchdog expressing concerns over how Facebook uses personal information. And several Canadian editorial cartoonists were happy to have former Prime Minister Jean Chretien to kick around again as he received his order of Merit from the Queen.

Friday, 17 July 2009

US and Them #10

It was Will Rogers who once said: "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." But the words might well have been uttered by - or for that matter about - former comedian and newly minted U.S. Senator Al Franken. Franken, you see, spent several decades as a writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live the show that forever lampooned the politicians of the day.

What are we to expect from the former comic and now Senator from Minnesota? Well, maybe there's a clue to be had from his past.

Franken, who spent nearly as much time contesting his election results as he did parodying politicians, in one of his incarnations appeared as self-help guru Stuart Smalley on SNL. Several of his famous catch phrases included:

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the entire world

Franken also wrote several books, among them the not-so-obliquely titled: Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right.

So okay, we get a sense of where he's coming from, but we're not so sure where he's going.

Who knows, maybe he'll end up like former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. Chretien was in the news again this week as only the third Canadian recipient of the Queen's Order of Merit. He's in some pretty august company. Mother Theresa and Winston Churchill are among the award's previous recipients.

A shrewd politician, Chretien led his Liberal party to 3 successive majority government's in Canada. But Jean wasn't the most erudite individual. Indeed, many used to say he showed no favourites among Canada's two solitudes as he managed to mangle both official languages. He also was prone to blathering as opposed to giving a direct answer (hey, he was a a politician). He often came off looking more like a stand-up comic than a Prime Minister. Here's a few examples:

When you're a mayor and you have a problem you blame the provincial government. If you are a provincial government and you have a problem you blame the federal government. We don't blame the Queen any more, so once in a while we might blame the Americans.

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.

I don't know what is marijuana. Perhaps I will try it when it will no longer be criminal. I will have my money for my fine and a joint in the other hand.

When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U.S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U.S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade." After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"

So my American friends, look out. Mr Franken may unexpectedly and inexplicably rise to the heights of Mr. Chretien. Geez, a lot of quotes have been thrown about in this article and I'm sorry but for some reason when I think of these two politicians I am reminded of one more quote, this one from Plato:

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
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