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Give Them My Name, You'll Get A Good Seat

I don't know about you but when I go to the bathroom, I, um, erm, ah, go to the bathroom. Frankly, I'm in there for a reason and nothing's gonna come between me and my, un, relief.

When I was a kid, I knew a guy that used to practice his clarinet on the toilet. No that's not a euphemism. If you came to the door to call on him and heard the clarinet you knew where he was. His Dad said he spent so much time on the toilet seat he had a ring around his ass. I wonder if it wasn't a ploy to mask his grunts and groans as he did his business? He'd never admit to it.

I came across a survey this week about what people do in the bathroom. It seems I'm in the minority. Whereas I'm there to do my business, most people are there for another purpose.

The folks from Georgia-Pacific make Quilted Northern toilet paper and conducted a survey into people's bathroom habits. Seems folks are more sociable in the John than on Facebook. I guess you could say they're getting their message across while tinkling not Twittering.

41 per cent of those polled thought the bathroom was a great place to gossip; 30 per cent said they talk about their jobs (presumably the ones in the office not the toilet) and 20 per cent discuss sex. That's discuss sex, not have sex. All told 86 per cent of people say bathrooms are a great place for a personal conversation. Oh sure they'll tell perfect strangers the most intimate details of their sex lives but at least 56 per cent don't feel comfortable asking the person in the next stall to pass them the toilet paper.

Here's something I know you'll be interested in learning. 31 per cent of those surveyed scrunch their toilet paper while 28 per cent favour the folding method. Hmm, fewer anal type than I imagined. There appears to not have been a question on the old unrolling the toilet paper over or under. Damn.

Finally, most people don't say they're going to the "bathroom". 26 per cent said they were going to "use the potty". Oh yeah like that sounds better. 21 per cent said they were off to "heed nature's call" and 26 per cent said they were going to "drop a deuce". What, now they're playing poker in there? No sign of my personal favourite, "I'm gonna go for a dump".

I'm kind of flushed by all this toilet talk. Who knew going to the bathroom now a days means something else entirely.

Excuse me. I've got to, erm, drop a deuce and write my next post.

This poopy post first plopped at The Parody Files.

Comments

well that cracked..me up lmao
Quirkyloon said…
Ha! Well put! This is a subject near and dear to my...uhm...let's just leave it at that shall we?

And I'm guilty.

I say going to the potty. And I lovingly refer to it as a blowout.

"I'm gonna blow!"
nonamedufus said…
IWBY: My work here is done. (That's what I say when I'm done my business too.)
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: I'm glad you shared that with us, Quirks.
Jaffer said…
I have got some of my best ideas while in the throne room.

It's a place for me to sit and think and not get a weird look from mom who is sure to ask "What happened ? Are you depressed ? He is depressed. Talk to us - we are there for you. It's not good to bottle things up"... and etc...
Leeuna said…
The bathroom is the new water cooler...for gossip, I mean. And I'm a folder of tissue. Plus, I read while making a deposit. I can't believe I just shared that with the world! **blushes**
nonamedufus said…
Jaffer: Yep, there's no better place than the toilet to unbottle yourself.
nonamedufus said…
Leeuna: We'll just file that away for now and use it at an appropriate moment in the future. Hope everything works out well for you.
00dozo said…
I really hate it when people say that they are going to the "bathroom" - you know there isn't any tub in there so how on earth are they going to take a bath? (My apologies for that visual).

I prefer 'washroom' or 'restroom' but, technically, it should be called the 'waste room'?.
;-)
00dozo said…
I stand corrected. I just read UR's post.
;-)
Boom Boom Larew said…
Saw this on Parody Files, but it's just as inspiring the second time around. It's always interesting to see what reading material people keep in their bathrooms. Vlad keeps a stack of MAD magazines in ours... but I never read them! Yeah, right!
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Waste room is appropriate isn't it. The British call it the Water Closet or W.C. Some people spend a penny and others see a man about a dog. Me? I gotta go to the can.
nonamedufus said…
Boom Boom: You're good to follow me around. We have The Big Book Of Answers downstairs and two different volumes of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader in the upstairs crapatoriums. Thousands of pages of useless trivia (the best kind). My wife's cousin keeps giving us these books for Christmas. He must think we spend a lot of time in the bathroom. I hope there's going to be a test.
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: You pimpin' for UR now? I just read it too and I now know something I never knew about librarians...they have an uncanny sense of smell.
Thanks for the plugs, Mr. Name and Ms. 00dozo. Oh wait, in this context, I don't know if it's going to say "thanks for the plugs," is it?

Unfortunately librarians get to smell all kinds of things in books...and DVDs...and CDs, mostly cigarettes or other less legal things patrons smoke.

As for your post, Noname, which is what brought us here today (brothers and sisters), I prefer not to say where I'm going. I just go...well, not right there, but usually when I'm at the library, I just point in the direction of the staff bathroom and the other person working with me gets the idea. At home, though, I promptly announce: "I gotta go poop." Or "I gotta go pee." I think my four-year-old nephew and I are a lot like actually.
Linda Medrano said…
I was married to a man who took a typewriter in with him when he went to the bathroom. He would type reports while he sat there. Go figure!
nonamedufus said…
UR: I'm with you, to heck with the niceties and euphemisms. It's best to just be direct and call a poop a poop. Besides, a four year old might wonder just where his dog is.
nonamedufus said…
Linda: Type reports? Sounds like a pretty shitty job.
Miley said…
Oh gosh, where do I start??
1. I majored in clarinet (see College 1: Round 1) and I can tell you that the bathroom is FABULOUS for acoustics. Or someone who really sucks and needs to feel better about themselves.

2. I'm also disappointed to see there was no over/under toilet paper question. WTH? That's like.. the MOST important question!!

3. 26% was the highest on the phrase? Really? I say I'm going to the bathroom. Or, sometimes "Guys, I GOTTA PEE! Can you give your mom a friggin BREAK?!"

Side note: Once, I dropped the kids off at the pool. With their dad. For visitation. I then texted the bf to tell him that I'd dropped off the kids and was then free to do something with him. His response to my text was "Were you having problems?"
Amy K. said…
LOL! That made me laugh. I've never thought about any of that stuff. Until now. :)
sheila said…
There's an app for that - I-poo

http://www.ipoonow.com/

Who new that poo was such a fun thing to do - and social too?
nonamedufus said…
Miley: Hahaha...love it. "Dropped off the kids at the pool" Hilarious your boyfriend would think what he did.

How'd those clarinet lessons pay off?
nonamedufus said…
Amy: You'd be surprised the things we get into here!
nonamedufus said…
Sheila: Of course, I should have known. The art of pooing goes hi-tech! Great app.
Whitey said…
So if 28 per cent fold and 31 per cent crumple, does that mean the other 41 per cent frumple?
nonamedufus said…
Whitey: Frumple? Is that how ugly people do it? Oh, that's frumpy!
Miley said…
Oh gosh, where do I start??
1. I majored in clarinet (see College 1: Round 1) and I can tell you that the bathroom is FABULOUS for acoustics. Or someone who really sucks and needs to feel better about themselves.

2. I'm also disappointed to see there was no over/under toilet paper question. WTH? That's like.. the MOST important question!!

3. 26% was the highest on the phrase? Really? I say I'm going to the bathroom. Or, sometimes "Guys, I GOTTA PEE! Can you give your mom a friggin BREAK?!"

Side note: Once, I dropped the kids off at the pool. With their dad. For visitation. I then texted the bf to tell him that I'd dropped off the kids and was then free to do something with him. His response to my text was "Were you having problems?"

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