Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Dufus On TV

What is it with TV these days? A couple of years ago I switched from cable to satellite TV. Every channel in the universe was at my command, or at least at my remote control (see that play on words, there? If I'm in control, how can I be remote? Ha!)

But so what? There's still nothing on. Especially now - between summer's end and the beginning of the new television season which apparently stretches anywhere from mid September to well into October.  I've already seen every repeat of Two And-A-Half men...at least three times.  And if I have to watch one more edition of House Hunters on HGTV I'm gonna not only lose control but throw it at my television screen.

To paraphrase a rock group from my generation (another play on words!) The Who, it's a tee-vee wasteland.

So as I wait for the return of my favourites like House, Heroes, Flash Forward, Two And-A-Half Men and NFL Football *grunts, snorts, farts* what's a boy to do?

Well, funny you should ask. Oh, yeah, you didn't ask, I did. Well to answer my own question, I've been spending more time with my wife...watching TV. How can that be I hear you say. I heard somebody say it. Well we've been watching a couple of great series on DVD.

First up was Battlestar Galactica. Not that crappy original version with Lorne Green. The one with Edward James Olmos as Commander Adonis and that hot blonde chick who plays the cylon. We got hooked. Four seasons. But we had to watch them in spurts because we borrowed them one season at a time from my wife's son who lives in Montreal. Each visit between them was infrequent so we've spent the better part of the summer watching this great series in fits and starts. Not unlike the storyline, if any of you have seen the series.

The other series we've become addicted to is the mid 70s BBC comedy The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin. This one's a hoot. It's about a guy, fed up with work who fakes his suicide; comes back; starts up a business of his own that becomes wildly successful; whereupon he goes through the same ruse he undertook previously. One of the comedic devices is every time his wife mentions her mother Reggie visualizes a trotting hippopotamus. Another is the chairs in the boss's office that when anyone sits in them or stand up from them they emit a sound like a fart. Well, it worked for me. I guess you had to be there.

The third series waiting in the wings is the original British Life on Mars series. We watched the American version, which ended abruptly after one season. We liked it so much I bought the series it was based on.

If we time things just right, we'll wind up our DVD viewing in time for the fall season, or when the NFL season starts.

For some reason the wife's not as interested in the latter as I am. I don't know why.

Monday, 30 August 2010

I'm an Idiom Idiot

Call them fractured phrases, silly sayings or idiot idioms. Whatever you call them I had fun thinking them up. I hope you have some fun reading them.

a kettle of fish out of water

a stitch in time saves is a penny earned

roses are red, violets are blue moon, you saw me standing alone

a fool and his money that's what I want

how does it feel to be on your own like a rolling stone gathers no moss

you only live once upon a time in the west

if you love somebody set them free as a bird now, and this bird you'll never change

absence makes the heart of my heart, I love that melody

it ain't over till the fat lady sings went the strings of my heart

we'll cross that bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

a fool at 40 is a fool if you think it's over

a long row to ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas

a watched pot never boil, boil, toil and trouble

about face the music

ace in the hole in one

Achille's heel, boy, heel

Adam's apple of my eye

age before beauty and the beast

leader of the pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

all bets are off to the races

heaven's above the call of duty

all that glitters is not gold diggers

an arm and a leg up

as cold as ice, ice baby

as tired as a doggie in the window

as the crow flies like a banana

asleep at the wheel on the bus goes round and round

at the end of the day-o, daylight come and I wanna go home

a stitch in time saves nine men out

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Pause Ponder and Perambulate

One day while I was out for my daily perambulation, I took a wrong "turn". Well I was fit to be "tied" when I discovered I'd gotten off on the wrong "track". I was lost and finding my way back is something I'd never been "train"-ed to do. But enough about me. This contest is about you...and your comments.  Some interesting captions this week - from the cerebral to the comic. From the sub-"line" to the ridiculous. Judge for yourself...

00dozo chugged in with:

"Now where did I put that penny?"

00dozo was smoking with a second caption:

"I think I can, I think I can..."

LOTGK had me going off the rails with:

Arlo Guthrie as a young child.

Blogless ba_hutch tied the other honourable mentions with:

This is obviously a photo of Adam West from his screen test for Batman.

And Ziva steamed into the station with:

The original teaser for the movie Trainspotting.

But my favourite this week comes from KABLOOEY who really had me whistling:

Barney's family knows they should take him to a doctor, but they're saving so much gas money.

Alright, KABLOOEY, you da man... er, ah, woman. You be hanging' with dufus this week. Congratulations.

And congratulations to our runners up and everyone else who played. Track us down next Wednesday for more Pause Ponder and Pun. And if you're (Casey) "Jones"-in for more blogging blather, visit these guys' websites. They won't bite. They might lick you, but they won't bite.

Friday, 27 August 2010

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Where did the summer go? Another week and it'll be Labour Day weekend and for most parents that means their little monsters munchkins will be headed back to those hallowed halls of higher learning.  A few years back Staples ran a commercial that really made me laugh. It still gives me a chuckle. Watch the different moods of the father compared to his kids - and the soundtrack is the topper...

Yep, for parents it's the most wonderful time of the year. Here's a few editorial cartoons on the same subject that hopefully you'll also get a chuckle out of.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

All Things Being Equal...

But they aren't, are they. If they were, then why did W.C. Fields want to rather be in Philadelphia?

A-ha. You see. All things aren't equal.

It's like the difference between a Russian Lada and an American Cadillac.  Sure they're both cars. But they're very different.

How about Hellman's mayonaise and Nuttella. They're both bread spreads. But I don't think I'd use the latter to mix my tuna salad.

And what about music? Are Justine Bieber and the Rolling Stones equal?

Haircuts. A brush cut vs. low back and sides and just a little off the top?

Movies. Weekend at Bernie's vs. The Godfather?

Television: My Mother The Car vs. How I Met Your Mother? Okay, okay TV might be a gimme. It's all equally bad.

The Smothers Brothers. Ha, that's easy. Mom always liked Dick best.

But my point is we say things are equal, but they really aren't. We like to think things are but we're only fooling ourselves. It took years before women could vote. They're still working on equal pay. You'd think same sex marriage would be equal to traditional marriage. But it's not. The American constitution says all men are created equal but just ask an immigrant or refugee.

I guess the classic example would be heaven and hell. Sure, they're both places in the afterlife, but all things being equal... ha, ha you see I did it myself. Nevertheless, they aren't equal. Everybody knows heaven's air conditioned.

The prompt is "equal" over at Theme Thursday this week. Click the link to see how equal the other bloggers' posts are.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun

What the...?

You know I do a considerable amount of research just so I can bring you - my loyal readers - the wackiest and weirdest pictures on the web for you to caption.

This week is no exception. It's way up there on the wacky meter.

You know the drill. See you Saturday.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

This Super Hero Has A Certain Appeal

News Anchor: Thank you for joining us this evening. I'm Ann Core. We take you now to Times Square in New York City where our crime reporter Drag Nett is standing by. What have you got for us Drag?

Drag: Thanks Ann.  I''m here with a man dressed all in yellow, who actually looks like a banana. This man just single handedly foiled a bank hold up and turned the robbers over to police. What is your name, sir?

Banana Man: Why, I'm the super hero Banana Man.

Drag: Did you say Banana Man? What kind of a name is that?

Banana Man: Well, my parents gave it to me.

Drag: And who are your parents?

Banana Man: Well, my Mom was Chiquita and my Dad was Monte, Del Monte.

Drag: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Banana Man: A bunch.

Drag: Do you work on your own?

Banana Man: Sometimes I'll work with my cousin Herb.

Drag: Herb?

Banana Man: Herb Aceous.

Drag: Uh-huh.

Banana Man: Yeah, he needs the bread.

Drag: Bread?

Banana Man: Yeah it's not like they're mutually exclusive: banana, bread - duh.

Drag: Is there anyone else we should know about? Is there a woman in your life?

Banana Man: I've been known to date.

Drag: I fig-ured as much.

Banana Man: Yeah, my main squeeze is Betty Pulp.

Drag: Oh and what does she do?

Banana Man: She's a peeler.

Drag: A stripper?

Banana Man: She prefers the term exotic dancer.

Drag: I see. So tell me, how did you become a super hero?

Banana Man: Well I got my training at the Fruit of the Loom boot camp.

Drag: Boot camp?

Banana Man: Yeah, you see there's a whole um, ah, basket of us fruit.  Those guys doing underwear commercials are actually rejects.

Drag: The purple and green grapes, the apple and the gooseberries?

Banana Man: Yeah, those guys failed miserably at boot camp.  They were simply the pits. Not that they weren't nice fruit. For example Mr. Apple was a swell guy right to the very core.

Drag: I see. But you. You succeeded?

Banana Man: Yeah, me and my banana buddies. But once we'd been picked for super herodom we bananas split.

Drag: You bananas split?

Banana Man: Yep, after all we were ripe for action.

Drag: Where was this boot camp?

Banana Man: At an undisclosed location. In Banana Republic.

Drag: I see.

Banana Man: Sure we super heros in training needed a quiet place.  A place...

Drag: Let me guess: a place where bananas could have an outlet for their aggressions?

Banana Man: You got it.

Drag:  And were all the recruits successful?

Banana Man: No, I'm afraid some were yellow, just too frightened to be a super hero.

Drag: Why did you want to be a crime fighting super hero?

Banana Man: Oh I've wanted to be one ever since I was little.  My interest stems from that.

Drag: And now you're a successful super hero.

Banana Man: Hey, I produce results!

Drag: So tell me, how many Banana Men are there out there? Are there lots of you guys fighting crime.

Banana: Heck, no. You think we grow on trees or something?

Monday, 23 August 2010

It's Not Exactly Sweatin' To The Oldies But It's As Close As I'll Get

Since my stem cell transplant in April I've been doing my best to improve my strength. And while my recovery has been fairly quick, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. From time to time I go for walks around the block. We have a big block. It takes about half-an-hour to get around it. I'll go for a swim in the pool. I'll go shopping with my wife. Wow, I sure get a lot of walking in then. But to be honest, most days the only thing I really exercise is my fingers...on my keyboard.

Writing three blogs and contributing to several others keeps me fairly occupied. My creative process is aided by music. In the morning I'll plop 5 CDs into the CD changer and I'm good to go for at least half a day. Used to be the exercise I got was walking from the family room, through the kitchen to the music room to choose my day's music and then back again.  When my doctor asked me if I was staying active, I'd say "You betcha".  Now though, I keep a stash of 15-20 CDs next to the CD player so my trips to the music room are less frequent.

The dufus Wall of Sound

But I think I may have found a better routine. My LPs - for those younger readers these are "long-playing" vinyl records from the 60s, 70s and 80s - are in the basement.  I've decided to give these venerable but vital varietal vinyl platters a listen after many years of neglect (wow! Sopwith Camel!!!). And here's the great fitness aspect about this. Not only do I have to go down the stairs to get these distantly discarded danceable discs and back up the stairs to get to the stereo - great cardio - but instead of changing 5 CD's every 5 or 6 hours, I have to jump up off the couch every 15 minutes to flip the record over.

My vital vinyl

Wow. What a workout. I've got my own, less strenuous, version of sweatin' to the oldies. Eat your heart out Richard Simmons. I'm an evangelized, exercised, energized, expert.  I'm a genius. Um, can you pass me those cheese doodles?

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Pause Ponder and Pedal

Well, we had a fine crop of captions this week considering we're in the hazy, lazy days of summer.

For example, Georgina Dollface wheeled in with:

When I take these back for the deposit, maybe I'll have enough to finally get a bell for my bicycle.

And Tgoette spoke truth to power with:

Hearts raced with glee every time the whiskey man would ride through the village, selling his bottles of liquid joy to the young Irish lads.

And we never tire of Moooooog's captions who this week gave us:

Luckily for us, this picture was taken from the front - otherwise we'd see where Jimmy put the other bottle of wine he was carrying.

Renal Failure, never shy to pedal his stuff around here, came up with:

Sponsor of the new DrinkStrong bracelet.

But it was Cat Lady "Boom-Boom" Larew who rode in at the 11th hour with our winner:

Dufus returns from his hiatus... and we're given a clue as to what he's been up to for the past several weeks.

Well, yeah, I know she mentioned me in her caption. So? That had absolutely nothing to do with her winning. Not at all.

Hey CL, you be hangin with the dufus, girl!  Congratulations my friend.

Thanks to everyone who participated in our little contest.  Be sure and race back here next Wednesday for another chance to be hangin' with dufus.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Weapons Of Ass Destruction

So, like, I'm surfing the web-thingy yesterday in search of an idea for today's post and I stumble across the hot sauce emporium of the internet - "since 1995" - a place called Hot Sauce.com.

Now, me, I'm a Tobasco sauce kinda guy. Not overly adventurous but I like to spice things up a little from time to time.  But about as fas as I'll go is maybe the extra spicy salsa with my nachos. And even at that there better be a glass of water or better yet a Corona nearby to counter the effects.

But I'm probably a 5 on the hot sauce scale of 100. Now the internet emporium of hot sauces on the other hand would seem to start at 50 and with a choice of over 120 different sauces quickly make their way to 100.  They call their customers chili heads, appropriately enough, and promise to take their taste buds to a whole new heat level. It's funny though a lot of people's taste buds appear to be up their rectum. You wouldn't believe the number of sauces with "ass" or a derivative in the title.  And yes, my title - Weapons Of Ass Destruction - is one of the sauces. Here are some others...

Anal Angst Hot Sauce
Ass Blaster Hot Sauce
Ass Kickin' Hot Sauce
Baboon Ass Gone Rabid Hot Sauce
Brand New Asshole Hot Sauce
Butt Pucker Hot Sauce
Colon Blow Red Habenaro
Colon Cleaner
Flamin' Flatulence X-Hot Hot Sauce
Hemorrhoid Helper Burns Both Ways Hot Sauce
Kiss Your Ass Goodbye Hot Sauce
Queen of Farts Hot Sauce
Screaming Sphincter Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally Hot Sauce
Wet Fart XX Hot With Pooh Sauce

That last one sounds particularly appetizing.  I wonder how often hot sauce aficionados have to change their underwear?

I'm wondering too, though, if it brings tears to people's eyes to eat this stuff...or simply just read the labels.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

A Brush With Fame

M-I-C...see you real soon
K-E-Y...why? because we like you!

Ah, the days of the Mickey Mouse Club.  Of course I didn't watch it for the songs or the cartoons.  My main attraction were Annette Funicello's breasts.  Annette went on to be a recording star and actress.  She played in such dark psychological thrillers as The Shaggy Dog and Beach Blanket Bingo.

What you may not know is, at the time, Jimmie, the Mickey Mouse Club host was a star in his own right.  He'd starred in countless films in the 40s and 50s, often uncredited.

And he wrote the theme song for the show.  You know...

Who's the leader of the club
That's made for you and me
Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there
You're as welcome as can be

And the closing theme, as well.  But that's not all. Jimmie Dodd rose to even greater fame as Bucky Beaver. Who was Bucky Beaver? Just the best-known marketing icon and musical mascot of all of 50s televisions, that's who. Jimmie Dodd voiced the character responsible for pushing Ipana toothpaste. Think back - those of you old enough to do so - to those magic words

"...brusha, brusha, brusha get the new Ipana..." 

And here's another piece of television trivia. Candice Bergen's mother Frances, an actress and model, using the name Westcott,  appeared in magazines as the Ipana Girl.

Some brush with fame for Dodd and Bergen, eh?

Now, everybody sing together...

"Brush" is this week's prompt from the folks at Theme Thursday. (B)rush on over and see what other bloggers have done with the theme.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun

I've heard of one for the road but this is ridiculous.

What about you?

Got a caption?

Leave as many as you like in the comments and come Saturday we'll see who emerges with the funniest description.

Join the growing number of that select group of folks who can say, "I Be Hangin' With Nonamedufus!"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

American Idle

In the doldrums of summer there’s nothing better to keep an idle American interested in American Idol (see what I just did there?) than to leak stories about the coming season’s panel of judges.  After the Ellen experiment exploded (oooh, nice alliteration) in the executive producers’ faces things looked about as bleak as Kara DioGuardi’s next paycheck. (Who?)
But now, Idolettes, word comes of a truly unique pairing of pop music people to join Randy Jackson (who?) on the judges’ dais.
The first is Aerosmith lead singer Steven “Living On The Edge” Tyler who himself let it slip he’d been pegged to replace Simon Cowell.
Um, these ears are gettin’ old. Can you crank it down a notch?
Next up is Jennifer “I was Ben Afleck’s main squeeze but then I married Marc Anthony” Lopez.  Nice pair.  Hey! I mean the pair of J.Lo and Tyler.
Woah! Is that thing for real?
If J.Lo and Tyler are the best they can come up with, then what are the producers thinking?  And they haven’t even gotten the three judges together to see if they click.  Can’t you just imagine how that meeting will go?
Randy: Hey Dawg, wassup?
Steven: J.Lo’s got a gun..
J.Lo: I’m not gunnin’ for ya, Steve.  I’m just “Feelin’ So Good”
Randy: Was it much of a “Journey” for you guys to get here?
Steven: Not at all. I was in the neighbourhood so all I had to do was “Walk This Way”
J.Lo: Hey guys, “Let’s Get Loud”
Steven: Yeah, if we’re to make this work we’ll have to show some “Sweet Emotion”
Randy: Wow, Dawg.
J.Lo: I think you’re right Steve.  I think we’re getting along now and I just knew we would.  Actually I’ve just been “Waiting For Tonight”
Steven: Oh, me too.  And I “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”
Randy: Damn, Dawg, you and the lady are so fine.  I’m happy to be in your posse.
Steven: “Dream On”
J.Lo: C’mon guys we need to get along. We need to show some admiration for one another.  After all “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”
Randy: That’s right, Dawg.  Hey, look there’s Ryan Seacrest. Have you guys met him yet?
Steven: “Dude Looks Like A Lady”
Fat? Yeah, I was fat. I had man-boobs out to here, Dawg.
This post originally appeared at The Parody Files

Monday, 16 August 2010

Did Ya Miss Me?

Woah, what gives?

Well, I'm back after a three-week blogcation and just felt the need for a bit of a change.  My last blog background had a mountain in it.  So I thought (I do that from time to time), hey, I'm never gonna climb a mountain, and it has nothing to do with the content I write, so ixnay on the mountain, eh!

I'm test-driving a cleaner, simpler approach.  And in keeping with that cleaner, simpler approach I've also done some weeding...of my blog roll.  Check out "dufus denizens" in the right hand column, where I promote my buds' blogs and their content.  And, I created a couple of pages, the buttons for which are up there under the masthead.

But getting back to mountains, I did fly over some while I was away.  Here's a view of the Rockies on a flight from Calgary to Kelowna...

I was actually quite sociable on my break from computerville, or what Mrs. Dufus calls the "unsociable media" (don't get me started).  We visited with her family: mom, brother, nephew, Tante Poutine (my name for her), cousins and their kids.  It was a full house.  While some visited lavender fields and wineries, went water-skiing and tubing, I sat in the sun by the pool, overlooking the lake taking it easy, sipping some silly pops and reading books.  Formerly a voracious reader, this was something nevertheless new for me as I hadn't really picked up a book in close to a year.  And I went through four of them.  For you literary types, I read 2 works of fiction, one quite hilarious, a humorous memoir and a book about the music business in the late 60s/early 70s:

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
Thirty-Nine Years Of Short-Term Memory Loss by Tom Davis (the other half of SNL's Franken and Davis)
Let The Great World Spin by Colum McCann
You Can't Always Get What You Want by Sam Cutler (former tour manager with the Stones and the Dead)

And I still found time for some other things like transfering 18,000 songs to my brother-in-law's iPod from my laptop, playing a little miniature golf - manicured like a real golf course, complete with sand traps and a water hazard.

Here I am addressing the ball: "Hello ball. How are you today?"

And we took in the wonders of Lake Okanagan, repudiated home of the sea monster - I guess "lake" monster would be more apt - Ogopogo...

In case you're wondering here's a rendering of Ogopogo

We didn't see him but that doesn't mean he doesn't exist.

All in all it was a most relaxing vacation spent with good friends - even if they are family - good food, and a daily cocktail hour.

Just to keep my mind and fingers engaged while I was away I left a comment here and there, posted a few things over at The Parody Files, participated in some forums and wrote a piece for Tribal Blogs and joined Studio30 Plus.  And I gave some thought to dropping either my political or music blogs but instead started a tumblr account nonamedufus - A Picture A Day.  It can be accessed here or through the link in the right-hand column.  My post-pal Cat Lady Larew told me in a Tribal Blog forum she thought I was on vacation.  I told her I just could't quit cold turkey.

g-g-g-g-g-gob-b-b-b-ble, g-g-g-g-g-gob-b-b-b-ble

It's good to be back.

Now however, it's nose to the keyboard!

I'll be around to visit everyone soon!


Oh, by the way, see this sign at the top right of my blog?

Do me a favour? Go there right now, click through and vote for me? Having been away for three weeks hasn't helped my vote tally at all. But if you guys were to vote every day for me you could put me over the top! Hoo-yah! Thanks.

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