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Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So eat beans at every meal!

That was one of my favourite little songs when I was a kid. My buddies and I loved reciting it. It was right up there with "Who cut the cheese?" and "He who smelt it, dealt it".

But with age comes maturity...or so I'm told...and as we age those juvenile rhymes and phrases aren't as funny as they once were. But others are! At least I think they are, but then no one ever accused me of being a "mature" adult. Here are my top ten:

10) Confucius say man who fart in church sit in own pew.

9) Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

8) How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell when she farts.

7) Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.

6) Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

5) Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

4) What is the sharpest thing in the world? A fart - it goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

3) What do you call a fart in German? Farfrompoopin.

2) What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

1) Mrs. O'Brien arrived in Boston from Ireland and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy restaurant, an old matron went up to Mrs. O'Brien and asked "My dear girl, please tell me: what is the secret of your soup?"
"The secret to my soup is that I use but 239 beans to make it," said Mrs. O'Brien.
"Why only 239?" asked the woman.
"Because one more would make it too farty!"


Anotherkelly said…
Beans beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel
Eat your beans every meal
nonamedufus said…
Ah, I have encountered a true fart aficionado who knows the alternative version of this little ditty. Thank you for sharing...the verse.
quirkyloon said…


and maybe, just MAYBE



heh heh
nonamedufus said…
From you Quirky I would expect no less. Happy tooting!
Melissa Hicks said…
groooan on the mathematician. I love to groan, so good job.
nonamedufus said…
Farts do have a habit of making one do that...especially if you're on the receiving end.
00dozo said…
What a gas!
nonamedufus said…
The original "natural" gas. And, if you're smoking, don't stand too close.
00dozo said…
You know, I never did understand the rationale behind lighting a match after you, um ... well, have a poop or fart, particularly in a small cubicle in a public restroom. I have this mental picture of a flaming "poof" with the occupant then emerging with (at the very least) singed eyebrows.

nonamedufus said…
Me either. Sounds like a bit of an oxymoron. You know, like, military intelligence and amicable divorce.
MA Fat Woman said…
One of my favorite subjects. I'm now middle-aged and I haven't out grown it. Have you ever heard the diarrhea song? I'd have to sing it to you so you could appreciate the beauty of it...
nonamedufus said…
You had my curiosity going so I went looking for it. Phew!
MA Fat Woman said…
Not quite my version (I didnt realize there were so many) but it goes along to the diarrhea cch cch tune

Goin on first and my pants was bout to burst,
diarrhea, cch, cch, diarrhea, cch ccch
Going on second and my pants was real infested
diarrhea " " "
Going on third and was bout to let a turd
diarrhea " " "
going on home and my pants was full of foam
diarrhea, cch cch
The people thought it funny but it really hot and runny
diarrhea cch cch, diarrhea cch cch

Its really great to sing around little kids that don't belong to you because they will keep singing it until their parents go nuts! :)
nonamedufus said…
Sounds perfect to share with my eldest grandson!
Chris@Knucklehead! said…
Wow. Now that's some fart humor.
nonamedufus said…
No, I won't pull your finger.
Nicky said…
I cut cheese regularly. It's very Gouda.
nonamedufus said…
Me too. But never at full force. Just Havarti. (hahaha)
Janna said…
I love fart jokes.
I'll let the next one in your honor.

Give me a moment.
sewa mobil said…
Nice article, thanks for the information.
Janna said…
Yeah, I totally meant to say "Nice article, thanks for the information" too, but I was too busy farting instead.

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