Skip to main content

I Want To Rrrent A Rrrooooom

You know I always think of that Peter Sellers line whenever I check into a hotel. You know, as Inspector Clouseau? These days the counter personnel are far more helpful than the guy who helped him ("I thought you said your dog did not bite?" "That's not my dog."). And things are pretty competitive among hotel chains lately. Some offer a third night free if you stay for a previous two nights. Others, offer weekend packages with meals and events. There are some I'd like to explore. They offer golf latest passion.

There used to be a time when hotels would offer a choice between smoking and non-smoking rooms. I always found this funny and in my mind would equate it with sex, for some reason. Remember that joke "Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know. I've never looked?" Yeah, that's just how my mind works. Now of course all rooms are non-smoking. Which is probably a much safer way to have sex.

On the weekend I came across a story about a new trend in hotels. It seems the Crowne Plaza chain is testing a new feature in hotels in Europe, the Middle East and Britain aimed at doing what hotels do best...providing a good night's sleep.

Are you ready for this? The hotel chain is offering it's customers "snore absorption" rooms complete with the latest snore control technology...and it's much more than supplying you with a box of Breathe Right strips. You know, those little band-aids you paste onto your nose?

The rooms have sound proofing, anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines. Anti-snoring pillows? We all have those. You just take a pillow and smother your offending partner.

In some hotels, the chain employs "snore monitors" who patrol the corridors designated as QuietZones and listen out for offensive noises and knock on the doors of those who snore too loudly.

I'm comforted by this latest development in the hotel industry. Indeed, I'm one of those "noisemakers" that would probably take advantage of it.

Now if only they can reinstitute those "smoking" rooms for that couple banging the headboard in the room next door.


00dozo said…
So, these 'snore monitors' wake up noisy patrons in the middle of the night and then what? They kick them out?? Keep waking them up all night when they start to snore again? Kinda defeats the purpose of providing a good night sleep, don't you think?

Mikewj said…
Instead of snore technology, how about separate rooms? Then couples could pretend they're having torrid affairs, or actually have torrid affairs -- and what the hell is torrid, by the way? -- but still get a good night's sleep.
nonamedufus said…
The snore police patrol the "quite zones" for offending patrons. Then they get moved to the snore absorption rooms. I may not have been entirely clear in my post, 00dozo. (Perfect name for this topic, by the way!)
nonamedufus said…
Don't give my wife any ideas, Mike.
00dozo said…
Ha! You read my mind. That was going to be my next question - i.e. why don't they have 'soundproofed" rooms?

Since the "smoking" option has now been eliminated, will the check-in clerk instead ask, "Will that be a snoring or non-snoring room?" Oh, and to go one step further (in case the patron does not snore) imagine the clerk also asking, "So as not to disturb our other guests, will you be banging anyone at any time during your stay with us? We would like to assign you the appropriate room for this purpose."

nonamedufus said…
I think you're on to something. This could be just the tip of the iceberg. Coming soon to a hotel near you: fart and non-fart rooms, rock star and non-rock star rooms...the list could go on and on.
Nicky said…
"You just take a pillow and smother your offending partner." You are a wise, wise man Dufus.
nonamedufus said…
What else could an anti-snoring pillow be?
00dozo said…
Ha! The "Febreeze Suites" for the flatulent clientele and, for the rock stars, the "Pre-Trashed" rooms - groupies included!

Sadly, the increasing hype of spring break caused a few hotels here to ban bookings for students this year, not that I've ever heard of any such problems here.
inbed said…
Can you imagine how completely fulfilling the job of "snore monitor" would be? And how pissed off people would be when you knocked on their door in the middle of the night? Although blogging isn't paying too well. Perhaps I should look into it.
quirkyloon said…
You had me at white noise. I must HAVE it. Honest. I love it. Heaven forbid we suffer from an EMP and lose electricity forever.

And yes, I'm still reading post-apocalyptic fiction! hee hee
nonamedufus said…
Spring break rooms or Spring broken rooms. Ha, ha, ha.
nonamedufus said…
You know I'd be so embarrassed if someone woke me up because I was snoring. If you don't believe me just ask my wife
nonamedufus said…
I've never heard it referred to as white noise. So how bad a snorer is your husband?
Melissa Hicks said…
The only thing I can think of more annoying than constant snoring is intermittent knocking up and down the hall outside my room. Oh god, the nasal nazis are back!
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, that'd be more annoying, alright. I can be a snorer and I'm a heavy sleeper so I don't think it would affect me. I'd just snore to my heart's content. Unless my wife gave me an elbow. That usually wakes me.
Linda Medrano said…
I want the smoking snoring sex room please.

Popular posts from this blog

My Back Pages - November

I read five books last month bringing my year to date total to 61, well past the 50 I estimated at the beginning of the year. And I've yet to get through December.

The month started out with The Nix, the debut novel by Nathan Hill which has been receiving a lot off positive reviews. In it Hill flips back and fourth from the 1968 Chicago protests and 2011 in a desperate search for the truth behind why his mother abandoned him at an early age. In between Hill takes on politics, the media and addiction as well as other aspects of society. It's a well-spun tale and I quite enjoyed reading it.

Next up was the auto-biographical I Am Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame. This was somewhat of a scattered affair but an interesting read nonetheless. Wilson - or his ghostwriter - however is no Hemingway.

Then it was on to one of my favourite authors, Ian Rankin and his latest tale of now retired Inspector John Rebus, Rather Be The Devil. I never tire of these stories and this is the 21st in …

My Back Pages - 2016

Here, as promised is a month-by-month breakdown of the 67 books I delved into this year. I got off to a strong start and then my intake dwindled for a couple of months until picking back up in April. I'll let you in on my favourites at the end of this list.


Here, There and Everywhere:
My Life Recording the Music of the Beatles - Geoff Emerick - ****
H is for Hawk - Helen Macdonald - ***
Close To The Edge - The Story of Yes - Chris Welch - ***
Sweet Caress - William Boyd - ****


Purity by Jonathan Franzen 
Still Alice by Lisa Genova.


Natchez Burning - Greg Iles
The Promise (Elvis Cole #20) - Robert Crais


The Snowman (Harry Hole)- Joe Nesbo ****
Phantom (Harry Hole) - Joe Nesbo ****
The Leopard (Harry Hole) - Jo Nesbo ****


George Harrison Reconsidered ***
The Heart Goes Last - Margaret Atwood ****
Dropping The Needle - The Vinyl Dialogues Volume II ***
The Electric Mist with the Confederate Dead, (Dave Robicheaux #6) - James Lee Burke****


 Lust and Wonder - Aug…

I Do

It was noon. The sun shone brightly in the sky. Birds chirped merrily in the trees. The sounds of traffic drifted up from the street. George picked up his keys and headed for the apartment door. This was a special day. Perhaps the most special day of his life to date. Today was the day he would ask Georgina to marry him. Georgina was his girlfriend. French. From France.

He'd covered all the bases. He'd bought the ring, a bouquet of flowers and a set of knee pads. If she said "no" at least they'd have a good laugh over the knee pads. If she said yes they'd remember him down on his knees this day forever.

He grabbed everything, locked the apartment door and descended the stairs. The restaurant was nearby so he decided to walk. As he waited on the corner for the light to change he thought of spending the rest of his life with Georgina. Not that he was being presumptuous but he had a good sense she felt the same way too. He was sure it was kismet. And besides wi…