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Showing posts from September, 2011

Dufus Is Dead

A dufus stunt-double has been employed for this role.
Well almost. Let me explain. And to do so I have to go back to Saturday in order to share with you my little tale of woe...and physical exhaustion.

The day started well enough. After I hacked away at the roots that had sprouted around me on the couch Saturday morning I got up, went out, and cut the lawn. Mrs. D was good enough to go do the grocery shopping. I usually do the groceries Fridays, but last Friday I had a golf game. I know. Tough choice, right? Sorry. This story actually goes back to last Friday, then, doesn't it.

Now you have to understand our house sits on an acre of land. So when you cut the lawn, even using a lawn tractor, it's quite a job. The neighbourhood is gorgeous, many of the homes being built in the 70s and now, of course, have luscious hedges and mature trees. That was one of the selling features for us when we bought our house. No one wants to be surrounded by a bunch of immature trees. I mean, real…

Pause Ponder and Pun #99

This kinda looks like what I spent last week doing - kissing ass over at Tribal Blogs in the hopes of winning their Extreme Blog Makeover contest.

Any way here's an interesting pic.

I'm not exactly sure just what this fellow is doing.

Not sure I envy him, either.

What about you? Thoughts?

I'm sure your captions will be out of sight.

They Got A Name For The Winners In The World And I Want A Name When I Lose

They call Alabama the Crimson Tide Call me Dufus Blues
Damn right I've got the blues
That's right folks...your gentle blogger buddy lost in the Tribal Blogs Extreme Blog Makeover Contest. You heard about that satellite hurtling towards earth last week? Well, it fell right on me. Not only did I lose but I tied with that damn little cheese head, Nicky, my nasty nemesis. I couldn't even beat the little brie brat. But all's not fair in love or blog contests.

My hat's off to Salmon Like the Fish. She got off to a late start but I think her extolling people to vote for her on X Factor at the last minute pretty much sewed up her win. Even though Simon told Salmon he'd heard better on Karaoke Battle USA.

And to my fellow Canuck, Nicky, from We Work For Cheese here's to you girl. After dissing each other in countless comments on Facebook, on each other's blog, Twitter, Google+ and the CBC News Network who is left standing? Neither of us, I'm afraid. But it was…

Sunday Funnies

Pause Ponder and Pirates

Well, well, well. Another week, another batch of excellent captions. It's been a rough week for me you know. I was one of three finalists in the Tribal Blog Extreme Makeover Contest and I spent the week dissing my competition and sucking up to the TB administrators. All for naught, I'm afraid. Yep, I lost. I was sure I was gonna win and I trumpeted my expectations here on this blog and up and down Facebook all week. Oh well. Pride goes before a fall, they say. And, boy did I fall.

But enough about that. Let's see who won, placed and showed in our little contest.

First up is one of my competitors in the blog makeover mud-fling fest:



And for those who have given up all hope of ever meeting their soulmate,  there is Plenty Of Freaks dot com. Nicky


Ahmed couldn't remember who the skull belonged to but it was on the tip of his tongue. Shawn


You never want to be last in line at the cannibal buffet. Whitey


I could have almost showcased all the submissions from our winner. She reall…

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Blog Makeover Contest

Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest,
Old blogs should burn and rave at Nicky and Mike;
Rage, rage against the dying of politesse.

Though wise bloggers at their end know they are best,
Not Salmon Like The Fish or We Work For Cheese they
Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest.

Good bloggers, the last wave by, crying how bright
My punny words and funny pictures invoked laughter,
Rage, rage against the end of this fight.

Other contestants who caught and sang their praises in flight,
I learned, too late, they dissed dufus on their way,
Do not go gentle indeed they slight (me).

Brave words, near libelous, and flung with blinding might
Foul fish, stinky cheese like insults every day
They rage, rage against the dying of their slights.

And you, my readers, you're simply the best,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce votes, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest
Vote, Vote for dufus. Isn't he the best?

With sincerest apologies to D…

Pause Ponder and Pun #98

Hmmm... Okay.

This is the best Ahmed could come up with to be his date to the prom.

Well, that's my take.

What's yours.

We'll dig up a winner Saturday.

***

Oh, and while you're dreaming up a caption take a minute and nip on over to Tribal Blogs where you can vote for me to have a $300 blog makeover. They'll dress me up and take me anywhere if I win so please, please, please (thank you James Brown) show the love and click in the circle next to my name, or my noname. Tell them dufus sent ya.

I've Got The Sizzle

Which would you prefer? A mouse-ravaged piece of stinky cheese...


Something you have to work awfully hard to catch, clean and cook



Or a deliciously grilled medium rare T-bone steak...and I'm talkin' sizzle, here


That's what I thought. You went with the steak, didn't you. (For vegetarians I'm willing to substitute a yummy slab of fried tofu.)

You may have heard I've entered a Blog Makeover Contest being sponsored by my good buds at Tribal Blogs. You haven't heard? Well I have...entered the contest. And of course I've heard. I'm in the contest, eh. And you know what? I need your vote.

There are three finalists and here are their entries:

Salmon Like the Fish

We Work For Cheese

Nonamedufus...the sizzle, remember?

So think carefully when you cast your vote here: cheese with holes, something fishy, or steak...or tofu...that sizzles (me!)?

Yeah I thought so.

Thanks for your support.

This ad is paid for by the committee to elect nonamedufus as the winner of th…

Snakes In Your Pants

Samuel L. Jackson would be proud of this guy. And TSA officers at Miami International Airport must have surely thought they were in some movie, when a guy on his way to Brazil was pulled aside for a more thorough search of his, um, pants.

Turns out Simon Turola Borges was attempting to smuggle snakes and turtles aboard his flight.

Borges bears an uncanny resemblance to Pee Wee Herman.
I can imagine how this guy was brought down. The TSA folks must have asked "Is that a snake in your pants...no not that snake...or are you just glade to see me".

Turns out he wasn't glad to see them.

The TSA agents discovered baby turtles in his pockets and little baby boa constrictors in his underwear.

Apparently the guy first denied he had anything in his pants. But I guess it soon became obvious there was something unnatural going on around his nether region.

One of the baby, or mutant, turtles rescued from Borges' shorts.
I just hope those weren't snapping turtles.

That's prob…

Sunday Funnies

Pause Ponder and Pork on Your Fork

Yay, you remembered! And those that didn't are the losers because they missed their chance to be as happy as a pig in shit. I use that expression, of course, because of this week's pic. A pig among the pooches. I think the little guy's hiding out from Old MacDonald. Yeah, I think he's out of breakfast bacon and is looking for a side of sizzle. This little piggy's gonna have none...of that. So let's see who came up with the best porcine pun, shall we? And away we go...




Lord of The Fleas 00dozo


In China, dog is the other white meat. Madge


From "Best in Show" to "Best in Sow" Nicky


But our winner this week is that punster poser from the COTU (centre of the universe - *spits* Toronto) and my brother...

The grunt of the litter. Whitey



Everybody?

HI WHITEY!!!

Hey Whitey. You won this little pig in a poke ya big ham. You be hangin' with your brother dufus. Waddaya wanna do this week? We could get together and go out to your favourite breakfast spot wh…

All Right Mr. DeMille I'm Ready For My Close Up

Or make-up, or make-over, or whatever. Take a look at this pic. I think she needed them all.


Gloria Swanson really gave it her all to play fading (in fact she had totally faded) film star Nora Desmond in that great cinematic classic Sunset Boulevard. One of the lines I loved was "I am big, It's the pictures that got small." Her character was kinda creepy. And I think she would have benefited from a make-over.

What about this blog? You think it could use a make-over? The folks over at Tribal Blogs are holding a blog make-over contest.



Meh, I thought when I first heard of it. What did Old McDonald say? You know, the guy with a farm?   Oh, yeah: "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. And if he goes wee wee wee all the way home he should have gone before he left."

But as I got to thinking about it I thought to myself "Hey, everybody loves bacon. What have I got to lose?"

I also got a little confused between the terms "make-up"…

Pause Ponder and Pun #97

Oops, I forgot to number last week's Pause Ponder and Pun. Must be getting old. Well that's true enough, but last week I switched to the new Blogger "compose" format and it doesn't provide titles you've used before as you start to type the same title. The last PPP and it's number would pop up and all I'd have to do was change the number. Ah, the secret tricks of a blogger. So now you know.

Anyhoo, on with this week's pic.


Is it puppy love?

Obviously this little piggy stayed home.

So wadddaya think?

I'm looking forward to some "sty"-lish captions this week.

You can work out your drafts with a "pen" if you like.

I'll see you all back here Saturday.

Leave as many captions as you like. Just don't "hog" the comment section, eh?

Who The Hell Is Judith Chalmers?

Hello, I'm Judith Chalmers... I understand the importance of being active to maintain healthy circulation in my lower legs and feet...

So, who the heck is Judith Chalmers? That's what I wanted to know. I see her every morning while watching CBC News Network - probably four or five times in the hour, hour and-a-half I watch the news channel. After seeing her commercial for the Circulation Booster V3 about a hundred times I finally said to myself "Who the hell is Judith Chalmers?". Well, of course I said it to myself. I was the only one there. "You talking to me?" Ya, you get the idea.

Woah! I want one! Beam me up Judith.
And thus began my quest. Google, Wikipedia and You Tube aided me in my search for knowledge. (You don't think I have too much time on my hands, do you?) Funny the things you find out about people you don't even know when you start looking.

And circulation is an apt word here. Ms. Chalmers has been in circulation for quite some time, hav…