Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #95

Boy, talk about a bad hair day!

What's up with this guy?

I've heard of rock or heavy metal hair bands but this guy's sporting a band of hair.

Leave your thoughts in the comments.

We'll trim the submissions and announce the winner Saturday.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Welcome to Fantasy Why? Land

"Zee pick, Boss, zee pick"

Uh-oh. What have I done now? Well I'll tell you what I've done. I've gone and accepted an invitation to participate in a fantasy football league. And not just any league. It's the prestigious Humor Blogger Fantasy Football League. Seems they're an owner or two short this year and one of the existing owners Unfinished Person asked me if I'd be interested in playing. Well, first of all I'm gratified that they think I'm a humour blogger (and a Canadian, hence the "u" - "hence the u", that's a funny expression, isn't it? Must be Canadian.). My fantasy football skills remain to be seen.

Now if that wasn't enough, a member of that fantasy league runs another one called "FTWL" and he asked me to join that one too. Hey, what the heck. If I'm gonna go down I may as well go down in spectacular fashion.

What do I know about fantasy leagues? My brother (HI WHITEY!) from *spits* Toronto is into fantasy leagues. He's been participating in a national baseball rotisserie league since I can't remember when. But then he's the sports director of a national newspaper. Of course he knows what he's doing.

Me? Yeah I know about individual football players. There are those who e-mail photos of their junk to young ladies. Others breed dogs to fight each other and shoot them if they don't perform. Still others stick a gun in their pants and manage to shoot themselves in the leg in bars. And there was one former player who used to run through airports and after he retired had trouble putting his gloves on.

On the field, I follow the New England Patriots, The Pittsburg Steelers, the Indianapolis Colts and the New York Giants. A Canadian, who lives in none of those cities or regions, I'm happy to see any of those teams make the Super Bowl.

But fantasy leagues are about individuals from across the league not any one team or another. The irony of fantasy leagues is you may well be cheering for teams you hate because you've got a player or two from that team on your fantasy team. You still with me? Good, maybe you'll be able to help me and give me a few recommendations in the comments about which players to pick.

So instead of sitting on the couch in my underwear drinking beer and watching football all by myself, I'll be able to do it with 10-12 virtual friends. Good times!

Seriously, I'm going up against some pretty solid guys who have been doing this for several years. Me, I've never participated in a fantasy league before. Wish me luck as I embark on my little sojourn to Fantasy Why? Land. I'll update you from time to time unless, of course, I really suck at this and in that case you may never hear about it again.

So long, sucker.

Mrs Dufus has her own thoughts about all this which you can read about at dufus daze. I can't really say she's all that enthusiastic.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Sunday Funnies

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program with this breaking news bulletin.

Hey, look at this. Skeeter over at Dead Dog has started up a caption contest and guess who won last week. Yeah, that's right, moi. The dufus has still got it. So here's the pic and my beguiling caption:

Red, did you park your truck in that tree? Son of a birch!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

_ause _onder and _un

I gotta pee, Pat.

Welcome to another results edition of Pause Ponder and Pun - wildly more popular than that age-old TV game show "Wheel of Fortune". About the only thing we have in common with that show's sexy hostess is the fact that all of you Vanna win.

This week's photo was kind of uplifting don't you think. You all rose to the occasion with some pretty great captions. Let's see who floated their way to the top, shall we?

"Honey! The ceiling still still tastes white."

Forgetting the hardhat, Suzy ignored Krazy Glue's "Don't try this at home" disclaimer

Mary did her part to try to raise the debt ceiling.

She's trying to explain what a dangling participle is.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for. Well, whether or not you've been waiting it's nevertheless time to unveil our winner...

Maybe we should rethink the helium enema idea.

W00T, Jamie! (I think that's what the kids say. What? They don't say that anymore?) Way to go dude. You be hangin' with dufus this week. What say we get hold of a couple of those helium balloons and rent a DVD. I'm sure I can find a copy of "Up". Congratulations guy.

And we've got some new players who won, placed and showed this week, folks. So be sure to click through to their websites and check them out.

Until next time...

Thursday, 25 August 2011

PETA Does Porn

In one of the more bizarre news stories of the week PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) announced it intends to launch a porn site later this year. A spokeswoman for the group says "the site will feature adult content along with graphic images of animals that viewers may not expect to see".

Gee they've come a long way since Pamela Anderson:

Nice to see the organization that draws attention to it's vegan ideology through half-naked women is taking the next logical step. A web site devoted to beastiality. What? It's not about beastiality? Oh, okay, you had me going for a moment there.

Apparently the only thing graphic about it's pictures will be "how animals suffer for entertainment". Are you sure this isn't about beastiality?

PETA says its "sexy side...will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group's hidden camera investigators. Yeah, I can really see how the two go together so well.

Now I know Mrs Dufus will heartily disagree, but my views on animal mistreatment focus pretty much on serving a "steak bleu" or offering "steak tar tar" to unsuspecting diners.

Speaking of "bleu", recently Brooke Hogan, female spawn of The Hulkster, did a photo shoot for PETA. The 23 year-old posed naked in a cage.

Having exposed herself, she then proceeded to expose her views of the experience:

"I hope it shocks [people] to see a human in the place of an animal," Hogan said. "It really shows how absurd that treatment is. ... We're all God's creatures. Just because we don't speak the same language doesn't mean [animals] don't have feelings too."

If we could just talk to the animals. I think Dr. Dolittle has some competition on his hands. It's okay, Doctor, you can keep your clothes on.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #94

I guess this woman has nothing better to do than to just hang around the house.

I hope you'll hang around long enough to leave a caption.

I hope you rise to the challenge.

See ya Saturday.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Goody Goody Gumdrops

Last week I was at the grocery store, fulfilling one of my weekly husbandly duties that keep me in Mrs. Dufus' good books. You know, things like building decks, painting living rooms, cleaning the windows, re-roofing the house - not that I do any of those things, but they are good examples.

Any way, somewhere between cat litter and food waste garbage bags I came across a little confection that I used to love eating as a kid. Confection for those of you who can't keep up is a fancy word for candy.

I got home, unpacked and put away the groceries and then pulled out my guilty pleasure: a 950 gram tub of jujubes. As I merrily plopped one after another in orgasmic pleasure into my salivating pie-hole - I didn't have to worry about how many I ate because they were fat free -- yippee! - I started to think (uh-oh) about what I was eating and where they came from.

According to Wikipedia:

Jujube (pronounced /ˈdʒuːdʒuːb/ or /ˈdʒuːdʒuːbiː/), or jube, is the name of several types of candy, varying in description on a regional basis. The candies can vary in texture form being hard and resinous to something similar to firm loukoum or gummy candies.

In the United States, Jujubes is the brand name of a particular type of candy, whereas in Canada the word is generic, and describes any of many similar confections.

Pronounced what? Whatever. But they appear to be more popular in Canada than in the United States, having already hit generic status. You know like Q-tips, Kleenex, Jello, Canadian dollar? Anyway, my interest was peaked. Speaking of which I was by now a little peaked myself having eaten half a tub of jujubes.

Where did the name come from I wondered? Did some Jewish guy wandering the desert carry a bunch of jubes in his pocket to enjoy as he sought a homeland? And upon finding it, he shared them with a non-Jewish fellow who said "Hey, I guess those must be jujubes." Little did either of them know that many years later that simple act of sharing would result in jujubes being non-denominational.

The Beatles liked jujubes, so much they immortalized them in the song I Am The Walrus. You know how it goes:

"I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, ju, ju, ju, jube"

That was a really popular song in its day. But not as popular as jujubes.

But the Beatles weren't the first to croon about their favourite candy. Frank Sinatra was encouraging his fans to share them with him when he sang:

"jubies, jubies, do - dah, dah, dah dee, dah"

I don't know what that last part was but Frank was a little weird now and then. In fact they used to say he was often saying something stupid.

Well, gotta go, I think...I'm going...into a bit of...a diabetic shock.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Pause Ponder and Pyrotechnics in the Bedroom

Hello and welcome to that internationally acclaimed (or at least on billboards in New Jersey) interwebs caption contest Pause Ponder and Pun! That's right. I supply the picture and you supply the puns. And we had plenty of punny players this week, all with their own view of just what the heck might be going on in our picture.

I have to say I am constantly amazed at how you guys' minds work. I long ago learned not to drink anything while I'm reviewing your submissions for fear of blowing said liquid out my nose. This week we hit the mother-load of great captions so I've extended our honourable mentions a bit. Without further ado, let's get to it.

I see that look in your eye, but it's time for tai che

Ohhhhh nooooo! We are not role playing Baez and Anthony again. Nuh-uh, no way Jose.

Hold it right there! I agreed to do the players, but I am certainly not doing the water boy!

There was a time when Bob thought Mary's obsession with Diana Ross was cute. By the sixth night of the honeymoon, he'd changed his mind.
Whitey (from *spits* COTU*)

You have to be at least as big as Kelsey Grammer to ride this ride.

Our winner this week pretty much owns this contest. Not a week goes by that he isn't among the honourable mentions and I think he's won our little pun phest more than anyone else. He remains true to form:

After the fart she just did, Jimmy was really in no mood for a high five.

Yay, Moooooog. Way to go guy. You be hangin' with dufus this week. What do ya wanna do? Oh, I know. There's this great restaurant I know that makes a mean three-bean salad. And we could get a side order of their brussel sprouts. A pickled egg or two and some beers - sounds like a rip-roaring time.

Congratulations, too, to our honourable mentions this week and a big thanks to all those who stopped by to play.

And, hey, show some blog love and click on the links to visit these guys' blogs (those that have blogs). They may be funny here but they're absolutely hilarious at home.

* Centre of the Universe

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Anatomy Of A Blog Post

On my writing days I am consumed by what the heck I will write about. I search the web for inspiration, try to recall something funny Mrs Dufus might have said lately, wrack my brain about what I may have read about recently in the news and think about whether or not I have an opinion, can embellish or twist it to make it humorous. Here's how my day went yesterday.

7:30am - wake up

7:31 - pee

7:35am - open laptop

7:36am - turn on TV to news channel

7:38am - check yesterday's blog comments, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

8:05am - steal photo from Phil's Phun for Picture This blog

8:30am - pee

8:31am - cook breakfast: 2 over easy eggs with melted cheese on open-faced bagel, orange juice

8:41am - wash dishes

8:45am - pooh - oh look, there' a sale at IKEA. Oh, that's last year's catalogue

9:00am - change TV to Golf Channel

10:00am - get dressed, cut lawn

11:45am - put creepy in pool

12:00pm - shower, brush teeth, comb hair (shaved yesterday)

12:15pm - make bed

12:20pm - check mail - oh look, I got that Johnny Cash Show musical performances double DVD - cool

12:25pm - load up CD player. Today it's 5 Ryan Adams albums.

12:30pm - eat lunch: left-over BBQ'd chicken breast, pasta/feta cheese salad, diet Canada Dry ginger ale

12:45pm - add food waste bags, orange juice and english muffins to grocery list

12:50pm - recheck blog comments, visit other blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

1:00pm - check weird news sites, visit other blogs

1:25pm - clean up hairball cat coughed up - yuck

1:30pm - read current book A Game of Thrones, which is fitting since I've been on the throne at least three times already today

2:33pm - engage in what has become an almost daily occurrence, a witty three-way repartee on Facebook with Bryan G. Robinson (you know, Edward G.'s son) and Michael Whiteman-Jones who lives near Redfeather Lakes, Colorado, pop.: 525

3:00pm - exhausted by all this high level activity I have a nap

4:00pm - take creepy out of pool

4:14pm - play mahjong app on iPad

4:40pm - back to book

5:30pm - recheck blog comments, visit other blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

6:00pm - come to the realization I haven't found a bloody thing to write about

6:02pm - decide to go with this.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Monday, 15 August 2011

That's Cheeky

What could it be about this sport that makes me love it so much? I love watching NFL football but it doesn't come close to this. I enjoy watching golf but again it can't compare. Hockey? Sure. Baseball, yeah. Curling? Come on. I may be Canadian but you think I've got rocks in my head? I like sports but that's just downright boring.

No this sport has a certain attraction for me. Maybe because it's about the sheer beauty and majesty. It has syncronization. It's a delicate ballet. It's easy on the eyes. And it's not really necessary to keep track of the score.

Oh and did I mention yet that the participants wear teeny tiny bathing suits. No I'm not talking about The Miss America Pagaent. I'm talking about women's beach volleyball.

You know a sport has really hit its stride when it worries about how to accommodate commercial sponsors and how to display their brand names. NASCAR cars and driver uniforms, for example, are plastered with ads. But let's face it, there isn't much room for itsy bitsy ads on teeny weeny bikinis. I mean you can hardly plaster a billboard on those behinds. If you could, I think you'd be watching another sport entirely, like...women's weight lifting.

But this is about to change.

The Brazil team shows off their considerable assets

A British firm has come up with an ingenious way to cover, as it were, this dilemma. The company will assist that country's women's olympic duo in an upcoming match by stamping a bar code on their butts. Yeah, a bar code. When it is photographed on a smartphone the bar code will direct the user to the company's website.

Ha, I'm just thinking that there'll be a lot of people taking pictures of players' behinds. And this practice really gives new meaning to the phrase "turn the other cheek".

But good on to speak.

I'm not sure if you knew this or not but women beach volleyball players are susceptible to an unfortunate and insidious disease that can creep up on them without warning. Known largely by its acronym, people call it PSIB. And eventually all women beach volleyball players fall under its clutches.

Only dedicated enthusiasts of the sport such as myself know what the acronym stands for: Panties Stuck In Bum.

The heartbreak of PSIB
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