Monday, 31 October 2011

A Harrowing Hallowe'en Homily

This is a story about Marvin.

Marvin's a monster.

Don't misunderstand me. He's not a monster in the berates his kids and beats his wife way.

No. I mean in the not human way. He's a real honest-to-goodness monster. Well I shouldn't say not in the human way because Marvin's miscellaneous modules do come from various human sources. But they were donated after they died because, well, they really had no use for them any more.

Marvin's master, Micky, took great pains to create Marvin in his image. And he more or less succeeded. Micky's gone now, the sad victim of an argument between he and his creation. Well, we know who got in the last word in that one, don't we.

Today, of all days, is Marvin's 30th birthday.

It was touch and go there for a while when Marvin was just a mini monster. Transfusions, electrical charges and a little lightening now and then were all that were needed to ensure Marvin grew up to become a normal boo-boy.

In his early 20s Marvin fell in love with Melinda who he met in master Micky's laboratory. He didn't know how she got there but he didn't care. It was monster love at first sight. And after Micky gave Melinda two good eyes the feeling was mutual.

Day after day their love grew until monster miracle of monster miracles triplets, three little monsters you might say, graced the immortal lives of Marvin and Melinda - Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulee.

Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulie were good monster misfits growing up. They got along well with their neighbourhood zombie pals and performed well in school even thought their teacher told Marvin and Melinda she didn't think they stood a ghost of a chance. But after the little ghouls...girls ate her brains they experienced no problems with their substitute teacher.

Now today's a big day in the Marvin the Monster household. Not only is it Marvin's birthday but today's the one day of the year Marvin, Melinda and their three little ghouls can go out without worrying what they look like. No wigs, today. No make-up to cover the scars. No foundation to deal with those hallow checks.

No, today, as they go door to door in their neighbourhood, they don't even need to wear costumes. They're scary enough without them. Not surprisingly, each year the family wins the "Best Costume" award from their community association, which is somewhat ironic. Nevertheless the annual event has become a real family affair as they share in their haul of fresh body parts and yummy brains. And don't worry.The people they came from don't need them...any more.

And as they limp haphazardly through the streets and go preying upon their unsuspecting victims, unlike normal folks, they much prefer tricks to treats.

And at the end of the night, when they've locked the leftovers safely away in the freezer Marvin and Melinda turn to sweet wee Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulie, pat them gently on their scabby and scarred little heads and smile and say sweetly, "You see, girls, the family that preys together decays together".

Happy Hallowe'en!

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Pause Ponder and Preposterous Piercing

Hey, look who was hangin' with the dufus this week. Yep, my good pal Barry O. I was giving the guy a little economic advice, you know, seeing how we're so solvent north of the border. And look what the guy did. He framed my avatar. Naturally I autographed it for him because he's going to hang it in a very special place at the White House:

"Barack, I'll think of you when I occupy the bathroom."

So let's get down to things and maybe I can enlighten you on who will be hangin' with me this week.

Remember this guy?

Yeah, that's right. Debby Boone's husband. He really light's up her life. Well here's what some other folks said to make it into the honourable mentions this week:

Ladies this is why you never wait until last call to make your choice

Is that a lighter in yor tongue, or are you just glad to see me?

You think that's bad? You should see his penis.

Hey dig my new subwoofers.

*drum roll* and the winner of Pause Ponder and Pun #103 is *rim shot*

You don't even want to know where he keeps his smokes.

I quit smoking about 15 years ago, so I don't really care...but I can imagine. Way to go Nicki, you be hanging' with the dufus this week. If you wanna hang out, though, you better leave your smokes at home but maybe you could make us something fun with...cheese. What do you think? Is that a gouda-dea or what, ma belle amie?

Thursday, 27 October 2011

To The Victor Go The Spoils

Okay, I realize I'm taking a chance here running a post about fantasy football. Whenever I do comments for some reason simply plummet. Be thankful it isn't a post of a three day Facebook thread. Those get next to no comments. But on the football thing I think people just go "Oh, no, dufus is rambling on about fantasy football again" and they cover their ears and go "la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la." But, folks, I'm doing so well these days I just had to share. I know it's not about zombies, cute dogs or cryptologists - items that have readers flock to other blogs to leave effusive comments, but, hey, give a guy a break. Look at this as dufus occupies blog street. For today, guys, hold your nose and pass the football.

Yeah, that's me. They don't call me Mr. Tibbs. They call me noname "victor" dufus. In week 7 your humble fantasy football fanatic squeaked by Future Ex-Cons 104-90. It's not the biggest margin for a win. But it's a win nonetheless.

nonames' QB, Mr. Rodgers, had another wonderful day in the neighbourhood, racking up 35 fantasy points. Why was the win so narrow? Seems FE-C had a running back named Adrian Peterson who garnered 28 points. That was a close one, Troi. Good effort, guy.

With our win nonames moves into 3rd spot in the HBFFL. That's right. This fantasy noname neophyte has slipped into 3rd place folks, with a record of 5-2-0.

Well, last week, when I was in 4th spot, I was telling Bourbon BlastersPredator Press andPurple Drank to start looking over their shoulders. Guys? One down. Two to go. Bourbon Blasters lost to my Penn State pal Unfinished Person. Thanks, UP.

So much for the "victor" part. Now let me tell you how week 8 may well be spoiled.

It'll be a miracle if I move out of 3rd spot in week 8, unless it's down, because Mr. Rodgers, a Running Back, my 2 Kickers and my Defence are all on byes.

Damn, fame can be fleeting. Sometimes fantasy football sucks. 

Bourbon Blasters goes down for the count at the hands of the nonames.

This article first appeared at The Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #103

Um, yeah, okay.

Have a go at this guys.

I'm looking forward to your insightful and piercing comments.

See ya Saturday.

Monday, 24 October 2011

The War That Time Forgot

But not the Government of Canada.

Nope, not our government. They're spending millions of dollars to build statues, dedicate parks, re-enact battles and rub the United States' noses in it. In what? In Canada's victory. That's right my American cousins. We won the War of 1812! Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Do you know much about our mutual history, my amiable American friends? Nope, me either. Just wanted to be sure we were playing on a level battlefield.

You may have been following some discussions I've had recently with a few blogging buddies about Canadian/American relations. My American friends have taunted and teased me about how cold it is here, that we all eat poutine (on that they're right) smoked meat sandwiches (right again) and that nevertheless they should invade Canada, take over, and set adrift Justine Bieber, Nickelback, Celine Dion and Neil Young on some fast melting ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland.

Without the Treaty of Ghent, Washington might have been the new Ottawa. Of course we would have had to rebuild it since we burned it down. Well, c'mon, fair's fair. You guys burned down *spits* Toronto. Alas the treaty left the boundaries between us as they were before the war. Hey, it's the Canadian way. We probably even apologized to you too, for you starting the war.

How did this almost come to be? Those damn Americans, James Madison in particular, declared war against the British - our four fathers, yeah all four of them - on June 1, 1812. Now Americans like to say they won the battle at sea with their 6 frigates up against Britain's fleet of 1000 ships. Yeah, right. Good luck peddling that.

And they like to think they won on land, along the St Lawrence boundary and through Lake Ontario to Lake Erie. Yeah right. Does the name Major-General Isaac Brock mean anything to you? The man almost single-handidly beat back the Americans throughout Upper Canada. Long after the war they built a huge statue in his honour and named a university after him. And Laura Secord? She played such a pivotal role in warning the British that the Americans were planning an attack she got to open a chain of chocolate shops throughout the country.

Now let me rub a little salt in the wounds of mes amis Americains. Lest you think it was the British that, alone, emerged victorious. They had a little help. Turns out most inhabitants of Upper Canada that joined forces with the British to turn back those nasty Americans were Revolutionary-era exiles from the United States and post-revolutionary war American immigrants. Kind of like an 1812 version of our harbouring your draft-dodgers.

But after all is said and done the War of 1812 set British North America on it's course towards nationhood, formally becoming Canada in 1867. Of course it only took us until 1982 to repatriate our constitution.

So how much is the Government of Canada spending to commemorate the event and ram this little victory down your throats? $28 million dollars. Imagine if the British spent that much on the war itself. You guys might now be living in the United States of Canada.

My God. That means Pee Wee Herman, Lady Ga Ga and Rush Limbaugh were a hair's breadth away from being Canadian!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Pause Ponder and A Piggy Poitrine

No not poutine. Poitrine. That's French for breast. I'll make you guys bilingual yet. Or at least teach you the essential French words to know. You know,  things like "Excusez-moi, mais vous avez poutine sur votre poitrine". You never know when your wife or girlfriend might drip poutine on their, um, poitrine, right? And how better to tell her than by using the universal language of love...and cheese curds.

This is what you get when you google "poitrine pics":

You can see how very different those are from poutine. Okay now that I've totally distracted you, or some of you perhaps, let's try to get get back to the matter at hand.

Boy, you folks are good. Determining a winner this week was extremely difficult. There were so many great captions to, what I thought was, one weird picture. I wonder if it was old MacDonald's wife? Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh. And by the way, those certainly aren't little piggies. Any-hoo, let's take a look at this week's finalists...

No. I said you would look better if you had BIG tits.

Victoria's secret revealed.

A loaf of bread, two jugs of swine, and thou?

After this adverse reaction, the swine flu vaccine was pulled from the shelves

But our winner this week is an old hand at PPP and probably our most frequent winner. Welcome back to the podium Moooooog. You had what I thought was our breast caption (oops...a slip of the keyboard, there) this week.

Boobs: the other white meat.

Way to go, Moooooog. You be hangin' with dufus this week. Watchya wanna do, guy? Maybe we can order some take-out from St. Hubert BBQ. I'm gonna get some chicken nuggets. Knowing you, you'll probably want a poitrine de poulet.

Well that wraps up this week's Pause Ponder and Pun. See you again Wednesday for yet another stimulating edition of our little weekly contest.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

What's It To Ya?

You've heard there was a yummy food
That dufus ate, and t'was very good
But you don't really care for breakfast, do you?
It goes like this
In it's own grease
The minor heat, major release
I love to cook my bacon what's it to ya?

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Your hunger's strong but I, like a goof,
I saw it call to me on the hoof
It's beauty in the barnyard overthrew you
I carved it in my kitchen lair
I broke it's bones and cut it bare
And from my lips you drew the "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Baby I have been here before
I know this pork, I've asked for more
I used to fry alone before I knew you
I've seen you cook home fries with starch
My eyes they lifted in an arch
It's a cold and it's a broken "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on you know
But now you never ask me for it do you?
And remember when we both ate it
Before your crazy diet shit
And not a breath we drew was "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Maybe there's sausage above
But all I've ever learned my love
Was how to fry up bacon, serve it to you
It's not a food you can cook at night
It's just something one prepares just right
It's not cold but it's crispy, Hallelujah

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

You say I eat it again, again
I don't even know it's name
But of course I do, it's bacon, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light beneath the pan
As I fry some more for our dog Dan
And me, not you, and me "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

I did my best, it wasn't much
Bacon, eggs, toast, fries and such
I've cooked the stuff, I poured the juice, just for you
And even though it looks so sweet
I'll stand before the Lord of Meat
With bacon on my tongue, yes, Hallelujah

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

With apologies to Leonard Cohen and Porky Pig

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #102

Okay some people are dull but this woman's a down right boar.

Waddaya think?

Leave a caption or two or three in the comments.

There'll be no pig in a poke come Saturday. What you'll see will be what you get.

Monday, 17 October 2011

The Art of Facebook Comment Thread Hijacking

Okay, I've shared this kind of thing with you before but a hijacking I participated in last week was too funny not to pass on. It's amazing the twists and turns these things take. They're so full of apparent non-sequitors it's like all the participants have attention deficit disorder.

One of the points Jen makes in the article we soon all ignore - you all remember the lovely Minnesota man magnet Jennifer Brown from Tribal Blogs - is that for some of us blog writing is suffering because we spend too much damn time on the Satan of social networking otherwise known as Facebook.

Well, today I kill two internet social activities with one post.

Oh, and remember, for the purposes of Facebook I have a secret alternative identity where I'm known only as John Bray...

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