Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Did you just toot?
Who would have ever predicted the popularity of first the book series and now the movie series based on the deep, dark, mysterious world of rippers. Yes, rippers. I'm speaking, of course, about Fartfright.
Of course the whole genre began with Bram Stoker's skunk-bait masterpiece Diarrhea written back in 1897. Francis Fart Coppola directed a four star film version of the classic in 1992.
Keefer Sutherland and the two Coreys starred in the ripper cult classic in 1987 called The Lost Farts.
And of course who could forget Tom Poohs and Brad Shit in 1994s Interview With the Crop Duster.
But let's return to the current popularity of ripper films. Four films in four years, each more popular than the last. The festival of flatulence began with the movie Fartfright in 2008. A tale of star-struck lovers condemned to immortality because they fart in each other's general direction.
Then came the sequel, The Fartfright Saga: Chuck a Moon in 2009.
In 2010, The Fartfright Saga: He Lets One Slip landed in theatres.
And the latest in the franchise, The Fartfright Saga: Breaking Wind wafted it's way to theatre-goers earlier this year.
Who would have thought a subject matter based on cutting cheese, pulling fingers, dutch ovens and silent-but-deadlies would ignite movie fans. Speaking of which, each tale also has it's share of inflammatory scenes involving blue angels and fart flaming.
The next film in the series is scheduled for release sometime next year and it's called The Fartfright Saga: Love in a Dutch Oven. Here's a short scene...
When asked to account for the popularity of the ripper books and films, author Stephenie Meyer shrugged her shoulders, lifted one leg and said, "I really can't say. If truth be told I really just pulled it right out of my ass."
What a shame Smell-O-Vision never caught on.
Disclaimer: Any comparison to the wildly popular Twilight films was purely intentional.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
That's right. And along with this endorsement I worked out a sweet deal of a year's supply of Dos Equis. Thanks Most Interesting Man In The World!
Now I was going to write a funny intro full of puns about monkeys but I dipped into the year's supply Dos Equis sent me and the best I could come up with was what you might call pieces of rhesus. So enough monkey business. Let's swing over the matter at hand. Here's a sampling of this week's captions for the pic that Malisa sent us.
The Missing Link
Sadly, Olivia Orangutang's mother's words
("If all the humans around you are are jumping off a bridge...")
came to her a second too late.
The Cinemax - Late Night version of "Every Which Way But Loose"
And the winner...of Pause Ponder and Primates...for two weeks in a row...
I'll jump in the water with you if you touch macaque.
Well Shawn, it's nice to see you've retained your edge after spending the week at Disneyland after winning last week's contest. This week maybe we could get together for a drink? I've got basement of beer I need to work on. Hope you like Mexican stuff.
My thanks to everyone for playing this week. It was another great crop of captions you left. And to everyone else be sure and visit these guys' links. They're funny in their own write!
See you next week folks.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Well, well, well. My American friends are putting on their expandable waistline pants, sittin' back and watching 3 football games in anticipation of a feast of corn, bread and eel. Well if you were one of the first celebrants back in 1621 you would be. And you'd be giving thanks the Indians hadn't killed you. Times have changed. With Gadaffi gone I don't think anyone's threatening to kill you these days. And eel is just so, well, yesterday. I wrote this last year. If you want to know what Americans are eating this Yanksgiving, read on.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends today. At least we Canadians know how to space out the holidays. Our Turkey Day was in October which gives us far much more time for Christmas shopping!
Anyone having turducken this year?
You heard me.
No, no. It's turducken.
You take a de-boned chicken and you stuff it into a de-boned duck and then you stuff that into a de-boned turkey. And if that's not enough stuffing you can stuff the cavities left over with, er, stuffing.
Turkey, Duck, Chicken
Whew! That's some meal. Whoever thought that one up?
Well according to Wikipedia sometime in the 80s, some guy from Maurice, Louisiana took his three fowl friends to Herbert's Specialty Meats and asked Herb to do the dirty deed. An American tradition was born and Herb's been making turduckens ever since, up to 5,000 a week around Thanksgiving. So if you're a fan of turducken you can add Herb to your list of things to be thankful for.
Turduken got it's first major boost from, of all people, former TV football analyst John Madden who would introduce it to viewers and proceed to carve it with his bare hands. Later, he started awarding turduckens to members of the winning team in Fox TV's NFL Thanksgiving Bowl. I wonder if he served it to them too, using his unique carving method.
Madden no longer calls football games. But that won't stop me from celebrating (your) Thanksgiving. I'll be watching my own version of turducken...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Malisa from Pent-Up Photos supplies us with this week's pic. Thanks Malisa.
They say a dog is man's best friend but I guess an orangutang is woman's. Who would have guessed?
What's your take on this week's pic?
Let me know what monkey business you can get up to.
We'll see you Saturday with our results.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I'm stunned Monday (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)
Not good to me (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)
Monday mornin' wasn't all I hoped it would be
Oh Monday mornin', Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)
That Monday evening I'd have a post for you all to see
I'm stunned Monday, can't trust that day
Stun day, Monday sometimes you just have nothing to say
Oh Monday morning' you gave me no warning" of what was to be
Oh Monday, Monday how come there's nothin' to inspire me
Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me trying' to write something fine
I'm stunned on Monday
Not good to me
Monday morning all thought has left me
Oh Monday morning' Monday morning I just wanna break free
And write some witty thing where you leave a comment with me
Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, I'm feeling really dumb
I've got writer's block all of the time
I'm stunned Monday (You know, I'm just stupid)
Can't trust that day (And there's no inspiration)
I'm stunned Monday ( I already said that)
Yeah to my great dismay (I am such a moron)
Whoa, Monday, Monday how long can I delay? (Not much longer, jerk-head)
Oh Monday, Monday gives me probs, eh? (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)
Oh Monday, Monday (This song's about Monday)
With apologies to the Mamas and Papas, although the guy that wrote this song is dead and will never hear this god-awful parody.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Welcome to another week of our Mickey Mouse little caption contest, where once a week those who participate enter the magical kingdom of captioning. And it's where I get the chance to wade through all your goofy submissions. So let's see what we've got going this week.
I don't know if this is Main Street U.S.A. but this guy sure took a wrong turn on Autopia.
Let's see what you guys came up with for this...
A metaphor for Rick Perry's campaign
to which 00dozo responded:
I assume the train is reserved for Cain?
Another woman tries to parallel park
Honey, I told you that woman on your GPS was nothing but trouble.
Drum roll please... This week's witty winner is...
OnStar. How may I help you?
Way to go Shawn. You be hang in' with dufus. We'll see you in Anaheim. And we'll see everybody else next Wednesday when we run a pic submitted by Malisa from Pent-up Photos. She has some great pics on her blog. You should check it out!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
What's your favourite part of a meal at a restaurant? I'd have to say mine is dessert. And more often than not that dessert involves chocolate.
A meal at a restaurant is nice once in a while. It frees your wife or girlfriend from spending hours preparing a dinner only to see it vanish in under 10 minutes.
And you can take your time with your better half. An evening of quality time spent in a chic bistro, sipping a nice chablis for her, gulping a couple of Coronas for me. A knowing wink, a subtle nod in anticipation of what might come later...snuggling up close together, looking deep into one another's eyes, then gazing intently at...the dessert menu.
What the heck did you think I was talking about. That stuff's not suitable for a blog. And if I wrote about it as often as I got it? Well, let's just say my posts would be, um, intermittent?
Any way, back to the restaurant and...dessert.
Did you know that 7 in 10 women take at least 20 minutes to decide whether or not to have dessert in a restaurant? "Waiter, another Corona over here?" Apparently the delay is due to coming to grips with possibly moving up to another dress size.
A British survey discovered, nevertheless, that after those 20 minutes most women would finally order a dessert. Oddly enough the survey didn't ask how long it takes the average woman to "choose" a desert. "Waiter, another Corona over here?" after having finally deciding to have one.
No surprise that the survey found men don't think twice about ordering dessert. Unlike women, however, they don't order it to share with their partner.
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this story from Britain is the comment made by the company spokesperson that conducted the survey. "As a nation, over the past couple of years, we have become more adventurous with flavours...". Yeah, right. Like Brits have taste? This from a nation who's national dish is fish and chips or steak and kidney pie.
Desserts in Britain are another thing. The top 5 favoured by Brits are:
2. Chocolate Fudge Cake
3. Banoffee Pie
4. Ice Cream Sundae
5. Apple Pie
Okay, so who doesn't like cheesecake.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say I think I'd choose the chocolate.
I've never had Banoffee Pie. I wonder how that got invented. After some guy accidentally stuck his banana in his cup of coffee?
And Ice Cream Sundae and Apple Pie? Are those Brits pretending to be Americans?
So, guys, isn't it about time you took your woman friend out for a nice dinner at a restaurant? Go ahead. You guys deserve your just desserts.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Jan and Dean have nothing on this guy.
This is the kinda guy we'd say got his license in a box of Cracker Jacks.
How about you? What would you say?
Leave your captions in the comments.
We'll re-"turn" on Saturday with our winners.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Okay this is just a gratuitous picture of Julie Roberts and has nothing to do with this post other than that she played a call girl in the movie Pretty Woman. She could have been the inspiration for the Roy Orbison song of the same name, but I really can't be sure.
So, on with our little tail (not a misprint).
I think this guy must have been what Jagger and Richards were writing about in that song of theirs. You know the one. Beast of Burden? Yeah, that's it.
A love-lorn lad in Zimbabwe, of all places, says he hired a prostitute, took her home and the next morning woke up with a donkey. Sounds a little like that scene from The Godfather where the guy wakes up next to a horse's head. Our guy didn't wake up with just the head. He woke up with the whole ani-mule.
This is the story our friend Sunday Moyo told after being charged with beastiality. Big surprise, right? He testified in open court that the prostitute "transformed" into a donkey overnight. I tell you this guy has it much worse than Kenny Chesney who went home one night at 2 with a 10 but in the morning woke up at 10 with a two. Oh, yeah.
And, the guy says he's still in love with the donkey.
Man, I guess one might say that some guys will do anything for a piece of ass.
If I were him I would have just burro-d my head under the covers and hoped for the whole thing to go away.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
You tell 'em Philosoraptor. All you drive-bys who peek in but don't leave a comment? You'll never winnit if you're not innit. And what do you win? A fantabulous pic of me hangin' on a clothesline to post on your blog, share on Twitter and Facebook or blow-up, frame and hang over your fireplace. Or throw into your fireplace. Cool, huh? Well, whatever. But more than that, all honourable mentions and winners get free links to their blogs. Now where else will you get such a prize package, huh?
We have the delightful and da lovely Screamin' Me-Me to thank for this week's pic. A former blogger - and an extremely funny one - Me-Me lives just down the road from Quirkyloon in arid Arizona. I don't know if you guys knew this or not but Arizona has the unique distinction of having it's flag designed by the same guy responsible for that 60s animated psychedelic Beatles film Yellow Submarine. Groovy, eh?
So on to the business at hand. Here's our pic, followed by some excellent captions...
"This week on What Not To Wear we'll be showing you
how to safely store a ladder"
Wrong Said Fred
[Picard, Data and Worf are attacked and pursued by Kolaran natives]
Picard: I think it's time to try some unsafe velocities.
And this week we have a repeat winner. Laughingmom achieves her second win in a row with:
Sometimes a Rocky Horror fan just needs to "dream it" not "be it".
Congrats, Laughingmom. Like the sign says" you be hangin' with dufus this week. Let's see. Last week we undertook some yoga, bare. (Heh, heh, a little play on words there.) How about this week we get together and try on lady's lingerie. What? No it's not something I would normally do. But sometimes you've just got to go where no man has gone before. Eh? Some men HAVE gone there before? No kidding? Oh, well. There's a Rocky Horror Picture Show revival in town. Wanna go? It's just a jump to the left from where I live. It's a real marathon, though. There's a science-fiction double-feature on as well.
Thanks to all for their wild and whacky captions this week. If you're reading this click on those links to visit our winners' blogs.
And remember the word of the Philosoraptor, folks. You gotta be innit to win nit.
See everybody next week.