Thursday, 30 August 2012

Things That Annoy Me

You know you can tell you have too much time on your hands when you start thinking of things that bother you. Yeah, I've got nothing but time. And indigestion, but that's another story.

I thought I'd introduce this as an once-in-a-while feature here. I kinda got the idea from Janna@Jannaverse - you know, the funniest lady on the interwebs. Yeah, funny in a guffaw way. How guffaw? I dunno. Minnesota or Minneapolis or one of those M places. Pretty guffaw. Anyway, she's always making lists. Funny lists. She likes music too. But she doesn't make musical lists. If she did, those would be funny Liszts.

So here we go. My first crack at things that annoy me.

1. Peas
(c'mon, you had to have seen that coming. Like you don't know me by now? They've gotta be right up there with turnips and stewed prunes, strong candidates for future lists of things that annoy me.)

2. People who refuse to yield on the sidewalk or grocery aisle.
I mean really folks, where'd you learn to walk? In a distillery? Common courtesy dictates you walk on the right. Just like driving. Get outta my way. Old man walking, here.

3. Projectile vomit.
Enough said.

4. Diarrhea.

5. The fact that I have to check the spelling of diarrhea before writing it.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Pause Ponder and Pun #140

What the...?

I've heard of 50 Shades of Grey, but this?

This sure puts a fine point on the dewey decimal system.

Over to you guys.

And no dicking around.

See you Saturday.

Monday, 27 August 2012

Is That Why They Call It The Rumpus Room?

Okay this isn't funny. But it could be.

Three workers at a Deleware Daycare in Dover were recently arrested for holding their own little fight club. And by little I mean toddlers. Yeah, that's right they were coaching some baby boxers.

Can you imagine a bunch of little guys barely old enough to walk and still in diapers being egged on to duke it out?

Rumour has it one of them was named Dyler Turden. Ew. Messy.

"Okay, I knocked him down. Now will you change my damn diaper?" 

Three employees of Hands of Our Future Daycare (I'm not kidding you, that's what it's called) were arrested after a cellphone video got out in which a three year-old can be heard crying and yelling "He's pinching me." The caregiver, while pushing him back up against his pint-sized pugilist opponent can be heard saying "No pinching, only punching."

The daycare has had its license suspended pending a hearing.

Serves them right. Everybody knows rule one of fight club is you don't talk about fight club.

These guys have graduated to the hockey fight club.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Pause Ponder and My Little Pony

What do you get when you cross a race horse with an ostrich? Probably something that looks like that thing in the picture.

You guys had your own ideas. Let' take a look at some of them...

The long shot, Aftershock, got boxed in and Alvarez had to pull her up shorter than he expected tp avoid a collision. Ticket holders were ecstatic when the filly came from behind to win by hald a length.

The real American Quarter Horse

Sarah Jessic Parker heads out for her morning run.

But the quip that made me bite my lip won the day...

Professor Floxington comes in 16254th at the 1st and last annual all-LSD Olympics.

Way to go Mike. Far out, dude. You be hangin' with the dufus this weekend. Peace, man. Groovy. Why don't you come over and I'll put on some Vanilla Fudge and we can bliss for awhile.

Thanks to all who participated this week. We'll see y'all again Wednesday.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Pause Ponder and Pun #139

My horse would have won but she came up short!

I've showed you mine.

Now you show me yours.

Trot back over on Saturday for the results.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

I Got Stung By A Slutty Wasp

Leave it to me to get bitten by a wasp with a sexually transmittable disease. Yeah, you heard me. Kinky, eh? No I don't think so. Stingy, maybe.

I'll back up.

Last Thursday I went golfing with Dufus Jr.  All was going well - as well as could be expected given each of our golf games - until we hit the back 9. We pulled up for our second stroke on #12 - a par three.

I stopped the cart to the left of the pond, Jr. hopped out to take his shot. His tee shot had landed there; mine just shy of the green, straight on the pin but, alas, not quite out of the pond. All of a sudden I felt like someone was sticking pins and needles in me. Simultaneously, I noticed a disturbance in the air around me. Tons of tiny black things were buzzing around me erratically. All in one move I yelled at my son, swatted at the air and stepped on the gas. I must have looked quite comical because Jr. tells everyone, arms waving around my head and torso (me in the cart not him telling the story), I didn't stop until I hit the parking lot. In reality I only went about 30 feet, almost up on the green. I almost travelled further than y ball.  Damn, I'd been swarmed by wasps. I must have stopped the golf cart right over their nest. Or maybe it was that Axe deodorant I was wearing. Sorry little guys. I didn't mean any harm. In the words of that immortal philosopher Boy George "Do you really want to hurt me?". Evidently yes.

Now I can deal with a sand hazard. Even a water hazard. But a wasp hazard. The club might have warned me of this additional little trap, eh?

Fast forward to yesterday. I managed to get in to see my doctor because one sting stayed with me and was giving me considerable discomfort. The sting was on my right shoulder/chest and had grown to a motley irritation of about seven inches long. "There's something going on here" I thought to myself after Mrs Dufus told me about nine times "There's something going on there. You should call the doctor". "So" I thought "Maybe I had better call the doctor."

My first hint something was amiss was when I showed the bite to my wife on Saturday and she made a face and gave me shit. My second clue was on Sunday when the pharmacist made a face and gave me cortisone cream. The doctor confirmed it when he made a face and gave me his diagnosis.

Um, Jr. can you hand me my 5 iron?

But my doctor also had a little surprise for me. He "hmm-ed" and "ah-ha-ed" and quietly said "Hmm, ah-ha, looks like herpes."

"Huh?", I replied.

"You know, shingles", he said and prescribed me medication and told me to get some calamine lotion.

Now if I got herpes from playing around it might have been worth it. Might have been. But from playing a round? (See what I did there?)

Damn that trollopy wasp. Biting anything with pants.

The upside of course is I quit playing after 16 holes.

Amazing how much my score improved.


P.S. I'm seeing my hematologist Wednesday but I'm almost certain he'll confirm the diagnosis. Looks like I have shingles, which is the reappearance of the chicken pox virus years after someone has had the disease. It probably has nothing to do with the wasp bite. You see with my multiple myeloma my immune system isn't strong. Since my cancer diagnosis I've been warned shingles could occur at any time. I think the episode with Mr Wasp brought them out. The weird thing is I had chicken pox over 50 years ago. And I was diagnosed with cancer over 10 years back. Go figure. Sometimes life - and wasps - suck.

Monday, 20 August 2012

99 Bottles for Bears on the Wall

When I get stymied over something to write about one of my first activities is a visit to the weird news sites. They usually don't fail to inspire me. Well, maybe inspire isn't exactly the right word. I mean who are we kidding? We're not doing Ernest Hemingway here are we. Faulkner, maybe. Gotcha! Ready?

I gotta say it took some time for the 3 Bears to get their revenge on Goldilocks but after all these years they finally came through. Of course Goldilocks only ate porridge and napped in their beds. For bears revenge is a dish best served bold.

If you're going to Norway you may want to think twice before you rent a cabin. A family that did came home to quite the surprise upon their return.

Seems a family of four bruins broke into their abode and partied on dude. Did you know a group of bears was called a "sleuth"? Seems appropriate since these guys sussed out bear party central.

Yep, the four gorged themselves on all the food in the cabin including chocolate, marshmallows and honey. What is that the bear version of smores? They then found and drank over 100 beers. That's got me and Whitey beat, even on a good day! After their paws that refreshes they proceeded to trash the place.

Talk about animal house (food fight!) literally.

We could learn from our four-footed friends. I mean these guys are the original party animals, don't ya think?

Of course it's too late to do anything about this big bear beer fest. I guess the owner will just have to grin and bear it.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Pause Ponder and Pleasure Pillows

I'm not sure why but this woman has her headlights on in the middle of the day! Isn't that udderly ridiculous?

Some of you thought so. And others had their own ideas this week...

We had a lot of submissions this week, so it was doubly difficult to narrow things down. Thanks to everyone for playing along.

Okay, let's see who made it into the runners-up column...

I'm not saying this heifer is a lesbian. I just HERD she wasn't going to attend Chick-Fil-A's customer appreciation day!

The real reason California cows are so happy? They get a good chuckle whenever a long-haired hippie flashes his manboobs.

Karen quickly found out the local La Leche League was chock full of boring heifers.

Nice teets.
There, I said it.

And our winner this week milked his submission for all it was worth...

Dude. Gross. She only has two.

Way to go moooooog! You - and your manboobs - be hangin' with dufus this week. Just like old times, eh? Well, except for the manboobs part. What say we head on down to Pep Boys this weekend and get our high beams cleaned. Nobody likes dirty headlamps now do they? We should nip this in the bud.

Now that you've checked out our results this week be sure and click through on the links above. There are some pretty talented bloggers participating in our little contest and I'm sure they'd love it if you dropped by their blogs and left them a comment or two.

Thanks to all for your great submissions this week. Until next time...

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Pause Ponder and Pun #138

Isn't she simply outstanding in her field?

I think she's a little more than that and I'll leave it to you to tell me how so.

May the breast pun win.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Auto Pilot

On our recent trip to Maine the first week of August, Mrs D. acted as my navigator. I'd consulted Google Maps in advance of our departure, and printed out the directions even though I pretty much knew the route. We were up with the birds to get a head start on the traffic and make it to our destination well before 5pm to check in without any problems.

Things started off well. There was next to no traffic to Montreal. And crossing the border took less than 15-20 minutes. Our first real challenge was finding a spot to stop for breakfast and go pee. We'd bought a couple of large coffees in Rigaud, Quebec and we both seemed to be on the same schedule for a bathroom break. Funny how the driver's speed tends to increase when he has to go to the bathroom.

I had to be careful about my speed, as my navigator pointed out once or twice (okay, I'm being kind) because my speedometer was in kilometres and, of course, in the States the mileage signs are in miles per hour. Anyway, we pulled off the I-89 in St Albans, Vermont and found a gas station to relieve ourselves. However, we could't find a restaurant. Next stop Burlington, but the restaurant we chose was full. So further on down 1-89 we went, my navigator telling me which exits had restaurant signs. We finally found a little Vermont town, off the beaten track that served one of the best breakfasts I've ever had.

Back on the road, my navigator actively engaged to direct me to I-93 S to Portsmouth, then to I-95 N to   US 1 N From York, Maine to Ogunquit. Thanks to my human GPS, and my kilometres per hour approach to American speed limits, we'd checked in and were on the beach, drinks firmly in hand by 3pm. Not bad.

"Those bikers are from Sherbrooke, Quebec!" - Thanks, GPS.

Of course we had to buy tires in Maine because my front ones were bald. MY GPS told me I should have changed them before we left. And of course my GPS lost her driver's licence on the beach. She was going to take care of the drive home but that was not to be. So guess what? More GPS all the time we were there and all the way home.

And this GPS doesn't stop at directions. It editorializes and talks back. "Watch your speed!" "Don't get too close to that car ahead of you!" "The outlets stores are up on the right, you need to change lanes!"

Remember that movie "Forget Paris" (see what I just did there? remember/forget?) with Billy Crystal? He takes his dying dad, Arthur, out in the car who reads off all the street and store signs including "You asked for it, you got it, Toyota!". Yeah, that was Mrs. D. Except, of course, she wasn't dying. And we didn't see any Toyota signs.

And I really got my money's worth because my GPS also worked outside of the car - in between trips.

My GPS takes a break to review the wine list.

You know, I looked to the best of my ability but simply could not find the "off" switch.

Oh, well. I can honestly say that trip wouldn't have been the same without her.

The upside is, of course, I didn't have to pay for my GPS.

Not like I'm gonna pay for this post!

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