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Showing posts from March, 2015

Detective Dangerous

It was a muggy mid-summer morning. I'd been in the office for about half-an-hour, late due to a meeting last night with Jim Beam. I sat at my desk reviewing accounts, my back to the window and the streaming sunshine. I had my fedora perched jauntily on my head. I loved that fedora. Never went anywhere without it. And never took it off save for when I ate or had a crap. Mom always said take your cap off when you eat. Oh that's what it was "cap". I stand corrected. I only took it off when I ate.

There was no knock, just the office door creaking slowly open. If I thought the sunshine was behind me I was sadly mistaken because there, standing in my office doorway was something way hotter than ol' sol.

"Mr. Dangerous?" chirped the sweetest voice this side of Portsmouth.

"That's my name and that's my business" I replied. Also that's what was stamped on my business cards. All 500 of them. I got a great deal from Vista the internet printe…

Give Him A Hand

Gerry was a magician, and he was very good at his craft until one day a freakish accident occurred. It happened during the "Sawing The Lady In Half" trick. He didn't saw her in half. He didn't see her at all because he accidentally sawed off both his hands.

Gerry spent weeks in the hospital recovering and then learning how to manage without his hands. His physiotherapist was a beautiful young woman named Jill. And it was love at first sight despite Gerry's handicap - no pun intended.

While Gerry was a magician he was an expert at sleight of hand. No one ever knew how he accomplished his tricks and he never let on. But now, given Gerry's condition, there'd be no stumping fall town fairs performing magic tricks for appreciative audiences.

Except Gerry wasn't the kind to give up and if it be known his family fingered him for just such a kind of individual.

So it came as no surprise when he asked his love Jill to help him resurrect his act and be his ass…

A Little Tale For Awl About Jeb The Woodworker

You might say Jeb was a bit of a nerd. At 21 he'd never had a relationship with a member of the fairer sex. Or any sex for that matter. High school was a disaster when it came to relationships. When all the others went off to Saturday night dances Jeb stayed home, locked up in his room playing with his woodworking set. He had saws, hammers, chisels, every kind of woodworking tool imaginable.

Jeb's parents thought their son a little strange but he kept out of trouble so they said little about it. When he entered college, Jeb joined the Whittler's Workshop, an after school non-credit woodworking club. Each fall, the WW held a competition among it's students where, based on detailed instructions, the students undertook specific projects. Jeb, given his long history of woodworking thought the competition would be a breeze.

He set to work. He reviewed the instructions, collected his wood and began his project. He used his hand saw and hammer, his adz and auger, his callipe…

A Different Little Story About Jack and Diane

Jack lived a simple life. Up at 5 o'clock to feed the chickens, milk the cows, unpack the alpacas and jump on the tractor and head for the fields. Jack lived the single life tending his farm. In his mid-thirties he was a ruggedly handsome fellow but having left school in grade 7 to work on the family farm, the rural farm he tended now, he didn't have a lot of time for dating.

That was about to change.

One quiet evening, with the dishes done and the television dialled to a rerun of Sex In The City, the phone rang. It was his buddy Bud - no shit - on the other end of the line, telling him he'd be by in 15 minutes to pick him up for a guy's night out at the Lonesome Dolt, their favourite bar down the road in the small town of Littleville.

The joint was hopping when they arrived and they ordered a bootfull of draft. The 20 ounce glasses were shaped like boots. They didn't really drink out of their boots. What kind of hicks did you think they were anyway?

The Dolt was …

Just Let Me Babble A Moment

Okay, I think I've been living under a rock. Or I've spent too much time on the internet or reading books or watching "On Demand" TV series. Or all of those things. Am I babbling?

The other night my wife and I were killing an hour between two favourite shows on TV. We flipped over to the Food Network and watched that great old stand-by "Chopped". But this is the Canadian version hosted by Tori Spelling's husband Dean McDermott. Anyway, I think it was the entree round and when the chefs stuck their hands into their mystery boxes  - yes I know how that sounds - they came up with broccolini. Brocco whatee? I turned to my wife and asked "Do you know what that is? She said I think it's broccoli and asparagus". I said "Then why don't they call it Broccagus?" She said "I don't know. Shut up, I'm watching this". I have to say this is a habit of mine. I always talk while we're watching something. In a movie I…

Bibliofile

Lest you think I can't spell I thought I'd remind folks that the title I use for this post each month is my way of updating you on the file of books I've been reading. It's just my way with words, or non words, if you will. I mean, of korse I cahn spell.

Of course, the title might have come from the picture in this post. Then, though, it would have been Biliopile. But I digress.

Anyhoo, I started off the month with a lengthy look at rock promotor Bill Graham. As a music lover I found this book fascinating, full of anecdotes of his relations with the major rock acts of the day. As the owner of the Fillmore East and West he saw them all. I also enjoyed learning a little bit about the man himself.

The rest of February was taken up with an escape to Narnia. C.S. Lewis wrote the Chronicles of Narnia in the 1950s. I'd never read them as a child and until now my only reference point was the 2005 movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

I loved them, all seven of them.…