Saturday, 30 April 2016

This Guy Could Really Use a Hand




Bob the Zombie had nothing but bad luck.

When he went to a hockey game there was always a face off in the corner.

When he went to see his divorce lawyer he was told he didn't have a leg to stand on.

A comedian, he often visited the hospitals in search of sick jokes. His jokes were so bad he rarely got a hand. But he worked so hard that even though his jokes were rotten he was often dead on his feet.

Often when he returned home late from performing his wife would give him the cold shoulder. Often they would  fight and no one would really win because there'd be a dead tie. Although his wife often came near winning with her shouts of "You wanna piece of me?"

The only thing that kept Bob going was the thought of his new girlfriend Rachel, who he really liked  for her brains. Yep, and she was pretty smart too.

He had agreed to meet her at the bar that night called the Revenant and to settle his nerves he ordered a zombie and sat at the bar.

About twenty minutes later Rachel arrived with a bunch of guys all with a hungry look in their eyes. Well, those that had eyes. The rest just had a vacant look. Uh-oh, thought Bob "This doesn't look good." And as the first rebel zombie sunk his teeth into the comedian's decaying flesh he turned to his friends and asked "Hey, does this taste funny?"


Revenant/zombie were the prompts this week from Studio30+ which I thought was pretty ghoul, how about you?




Tuesday, 12 April 2016

The Six Degrees of Heaven


One day Anthony died and awoke at the gates of heaven. "I'm in" he no sooner thought to himself when a booming, castigating voice said "Not so fast Anthony. It's not as simple as that".   Anthony turned in search of the voice and stopped when he came across a less than five footed bearded man in flowing white robes.

"You Peter? laughed Anthony. "That's right my son and that laugh is already one strike against you."

"Oh I'm so sorry St Peter. Please forgive me. But understand you weren't what I was expecting."

"That's not all you weren't expecting" said Peter with a wink of his eye. "Heaven is split into six sections and we decide which section arrivals will be placed. Follow me and I'll explain."

Peter called for a golf cart and took Anthony on a little excursion.

Their first stop was Eh Heaven. "That's where all the Canadians are" said Peter. "Of course, eh" exclaimed Anthony. "Now you're gonna tell me you provide them with poutine and Molson Ex forever." "No I'm not" said Peter. "But we do provide crueller donuts and double-double coffees from Tim Horton's".

They then proceeded to Bee Heaven. "That's where all the beekeepers are directed" said Peter. "It's not a  large place but those guys do such good work keeping bees alive we thought they should be rewarded appropriately, so we hived off a portion of heaven just for them." "Sweet idea" countered Anthony.

"Next up is Sea Heaven and if you hadn't guessed that's where the world's sailors are sent. We keep them afloat for all of eternity,"  said Peter, "on water from the Sea of Galilee".

"Over there is D for Danish heaven. Guess who we direct there."

"And on your right is E for Everybody Else heaven. And that's where you're going. Don't worry it's a nice place to spend the rest of your life."

"But you said there were six levels of heaven. Where's the sixth?"

"Ah" said St Peter, once they've figured it out folks aren't too exited about it. Look."

My God - oops sorry there St Peter - everyone's face is blurred and replaced with the sixth letter of the alphabet. Why is that?" questioned Anthony.

"This" whispered Peter "is F heaven. For those that can't contain themselves up here and in their excitement use the F word this is where they're sent and F faced."

"Fuck" exclaimed Anthony "that's a terrible pun. Oops"

Over at Studio30+ they went with efface/erase as a prompt this week. Bet you're wishing I'd efface this post, eh?


Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Dedicated Punster of Fashion (oh yes he is)


George looked across at Bob. Both were bent over pant-ing, puff-ing in and out rapidly. The race they had just run had ended in a tie. Damn, George thought, isn't that dandy. Bob was pleased that he'd skirted failure. But he decided to button his lips and keep quiet.

Fred sat alone in the stands crumpling his receipt. He'd bet his money on George to win. A tie left him feeling short-shirted.

The race was tailored to create problems with no sure winner. Since George and Bob had tied for first the rest of the runners had been suspendered from the next step. A run-off, not a fashionable activity, would nevertheless be required. A run-off was custom-made to determine a winner.

The two runners would be hard pressed to refuse to compete after all that each had in-vested in training for this event.

Bob had pumped iron while George had done push ups. Both had dressed-up the plans of their coaches and worked at them harder than a one armed employee of a steam shop.. Both were im-pressed with their results. And both felt each's training was well-suited to the task at hand.

In fact both felt they had this run-off thing sewn up.

If you read this little tale closely you would have discovered it full of sartorial references. That's because the Studio30+ writing prompt this week was sartorial/fashionable. And as usual my stylish post went in a different direction.

Monday, 4 April 2016

My Back Pages - March



I managed to get two books read in March. Greg Iles's Natchez Burning and Robert Crais' s 20th episode of the exploits of private eye Elvis Cole and his associate Joe Pike, The Promise.

Natchez Burning was a lengthy novel. Over 1200 pages on my Kindle. But it was worth it. It's an amazing tale of the civil rights movement in the American south both in years gone by and years present. A good but a long read. And my brother Steve had recommended this to me some months ago. He liked it so much, he tells me, he took an 800 mile detour on his holiday, just to visit the site where the majority of the novel takes place!

The Promise, for me the latest in the Elvis Cole series, rates right up there with the rest. This time around a K-9 drug dog joins in on the action. A satisfying read when it coms to the crime/P.I. genre, which I love.

Only two books this month bringing my yearly total to 8. Slowing my reading down is binge-watching TV series such as House of Cards and Homeland and movies such as Spotlight and The Big Short, both excellent films.

What have you been reading and watching lately?

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